I'm Ti3m,I'm looking for criticism on a fanasy/science fiction book that I am writing. I've provided the first 13 lines, let me know what you think.
When a man becomes a human being it is a rare event, and when that human being dies, Iibrahim puts another star in the heavens.”
“Saa? What rare event? Look at all the stars!”
“Aii, but when was the last time you saw a new one?”
“Maatnaguu, if that is so, then why do stars sometimes fall from the sky?”
The Nooataak valley is in the Yupiik peninsula, in Ufalaak Erthelba, in the rough foothills of the Deloong and Baiird Mountains. From each side clear streams and tributary brooks cascade down the steep hills and granite canyons into the cool water of the Nooataak River. The river winds through the verdant valley and pours out into the Tzebuu Bay. It is here in
Thanks,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 20, 2006).]
Are Saa, Aii and Maatnaguu names? I couldn't figure it out. There are starting quote marks missing from the first sentence and I presume they should be there.
Starting out with a conversation can be tricky - especially with four people talking. I like the first line but the dialog that follows means nothing to me and then I was hit with the names. this place in that place, in this other place finally in the last place. My brain shut off after that.
You have two different sections of this as well. The opening dialog has nothing to do with the description in the second portion. Is the conversation on top of a hill by which the Nooataak river flows? I do not see the connection. Why start with the conversation and then leave it to describe the countryside. I like your description but it is clouded by too many names right now.
[This message has been edited by Verdant (edited July 20, 2006).]
If you were using common spellings, the names wouldn't be much of a problem. But you are not, and you want to give the reader time to sound out each of the new words and get accustomed to using them, before you throw out the next one. I like that you are establishing an entirely new geography, but this has to be done with a lot of patience. It also should be almost transparent to the reader, done in such a way as to not interrupt the plot and character introductions. If the geography is so important to the story that the terrain serves as one of the characters, then you need to devote introduction time to it just as you would to any other character.
I get the valley and peninsula names, but "Ufalaak Erthelba" has no reference. Is it a country? A continent? I'm not sure you even need it as a designation, yet. I was also a little confused when you mention two mountain ranges. After reading a few more times, I decided you must mean that the valley lies between the two ranges. Then I had trouble picturing a peninsula big enough to support two entire mountain ranges. Plus, if the two ranges run close enough together to share a valley, I wonder why they are considered two separate entities? You might need to elaborate on that reason. (Which might also be a good way to solidify the words in the reader's mind.)
So, you might try to leave the geography description for later on, bring in the names of peninsula and mountains as they become important to the characters. (I know a lot of readers don't look a maps, but you probably need one, if the geography is that important to the story. You still won't be able to control whether or not the reader will choose to look at the map, but it will be there for those who are curious enough to use it.)
You have a really nice legend to start out with, and an interesting premise with the "five races of men." I'd say concentrate more on those things, less on the geography, for now.
Suggestion: if the opener is one of those what's-it's-called before the chapter starts, maybe you could set off the speakers differently.
quote:
Saa: "When a man becomes a human being it is a rare event, and when that human being dies, Iibrahim puts another star in the heavens."
Aii: "What rare event? Look at all the stars!"
Maatnaguu: "But when was the last time you saw a new one?"
Aii: "Saa, if that is so, then why do stars sometimes fall from the sky?"
If this is actually the way the chapter starts, then (a) you've got a disconnect between this dialogue and the description that follows, and (b) I think you've got to give us more than this about the speakers.
I like the idea behind this bit of dialogue, actually -- nice mythological feel -- but it was tough to follow.
I was distracted by the number of doubled vowels. I always think of different languages as being transliterated into English, and there's no transliteration of which I'm aware that works like this does.
I don't sense a hook coming. Can you start with an event rather than pure description?
Maybe hold out on being so informative, and keep with the begining part, maybe even allow us to see the characters and what their doing.
Other then that I thought the begining dialogue was a great hook.
Thank you all for the great comments.
The words, Aii, Saa, and Maatnaguu are all meant as interjections. You are all absolutely right, their use along with too many names was over the top. My wife had pointed out the same, but she isn't a reader of the genre, and so, I thought perhaps her perspective might have been skewed by that. However, she is very down to earth, usually right about such things. I'm the one with my head in the clouds.
I'll definitely rework it to simplify.
Thanks so much.
If the doubled letters actually represent a particular pronunciation that you're trying to get across, I'd be interested in knowing what it was. But I think you could find a better way to represent it.
The English translation of the alien word for "damn" is "damn." I avoid alien words in text if at all possible. Sometimes it isn't possible: some sort of alien animal, or a place name.
Dialogue between unidentified people is hard to follow. It's easily fixed: tell us who said what.
Give us the reason to read up front. I *think* it's the philosophical thing about the stars and the human beings, but I didn't follow it. Are they into reincarnation? What's the significance -- the *personal* significance to the main character?
Who is the POV character? Let us know, and let us know what he's thinking, what he cares about, so we can care too.
Go easy on the place names -- tell us only what we need, to follow the action right now. (Not a hard and fast rule, but it might help.)
IMJ, it's good, if a story isn't clear or hook-y at the start, to begin this way (just for practice!):
quote:
John doesn't like Mary at all. She hit him with a brick. He'll show her. He's going to go on Jerry Springer and expose her brick fetish to the world.
OK, I've told what my story's about. Now I can take out parts I don't want in paragraph 1, adjust tense, deepen the penetraiton, etc. --
quote:
John didn't like his sister Mary at all. Ever since that time when she hit him on the head with a brick she'd found in the yard, he knew she had it in for him. Sure, they were younger then -- she was twenty-six, and he twenty-seven -- but is youth any excuse for making dents in someone's skull?
That is, if I find myself getting stuck, I just blurt it out all over the page, and then fix it. A thought.
quote:
There would be no reason in transliterating the names to put those double vowels in.
Well, just to be sticky, Moari names do have double vowels, altho I believe (I don't speak any Moari languages so please if someone knows more, correct me) that these are to represent the double sound ie giira is gi-ira (altho in English use we normally where this down to a gira sound.
Same could be said for the names Aaron and Isaac.
However, apart from these exceptions, I'd agree with the comment - don't *try* to artificially make names look foreign unless you've done enough work establishing the language rules. Otherwise it is very transparent.
A great resource for invented languages is at Mark Rosenfelder's The Language Construction Kit: http://www.zompist.com/kit.html