I need comments on the whole thing if anyone could read it. Its fantasy about 5900 words.
Orya settled down into the snow, trying to ease her weary body. She lay nestled between two large buildings—pillars of crystal that soared into the sky, hovering oppressively over her. Walkways of glass sprung between them, their images shining in the cold night sky. The city’s beauty seemed to taunt her with its emptiness, like a monument to a glorious tune now fallen silent.
The silence would not have been so oppressive if she had not been the cause of it.
She stared above her trying not to think, wishing that her body would finally find rest. For a moment she could see the millions of feet that had walked through these walkways, hear the jumble of voices that had echoed through this space, feel the ambience from the myriads of faces that had smiled and frowned as they
Thanks
First, you use the words oppresively and oppressive in close proximity. It is an interesting word and stands out when you use it more than once. Second, I had an issue with the image of "The city’s beauty seemed to taunt her with its emptiness, like a monument to a glorious tune now fallen silent." I don't see how a monument to a now silent tune taunts anything. It appears to be a mixed metaphor.
I have some other comments, but can save them for the critique. Send it on over.
This isn't bad, though it is a little flat.
Also, it seems a contradiction to say that Orya is "settled down" and "easing" her body and "lay nestled"... then to follow that imagery of being at rest with saying she wished her body would finally find rest.
I don't care for flashbacks that are not clearly portrayed as flashbacks, not at the very beginning of the story when I'm trying to find my balance and sense for your narrator's voice. Can she actually SEE and HEAR these people? Or is it a flashback? Save the poor reader from scratching their head and toss us a bone... tell us it's a memory. Don't make us work so hard to slip into your story. Each time we stutter over details like this, it pulls us back out of the magic you are trying to create.
Subject-verb-prepositional phrase-dependent clause
The last sentence is a list, another pattern. I think the fragment would be stronger if you varied the sentence structure more.
I didn't get much sense of what was actually happening in this scene. The images are interesting, though, and I'd be willing to wait for the story.
John read his wife's "Dear John" note, and -- after all he'd done! How could she? He'd given up his job at the sausage factory because she didn't like the smell of pork. He'd gotten rid of his favorite "KISS THE COOK" apron, permanently stained with barbecue sauce she'd never liked. He'd even bought a Porsche. How could she leave a man with a Porsche? Then he realized the Porsche was missing.
The first isn't just shorter; it's empty of significance -- so we can't feel John's sadness and anger with him, and we can't care. Now, your text does have some of what we need -- but it doesn't let us in on the thoughts Orya has about this city that makes her feel that way. If it did, I think you'd get an even more enthusiastic response to this opening.
quote:
The majority of your sentences follow a pattern that becomes distracting:Subject-verb-prepositional phrase-dependent clause
The last sentence is a list, another pattern. I think the fragment would be stronger if you varied the sentence structure more.
I'll read on.