This is a paranormal/fantasy story I've been writing for a while. It's 41, 972 words long so far and isn't even halfway complete. I wouldn't mind getting some feedback on the lines. So here we go.
My people have lived among humans since the beginning of time. At least for me it feels like the beginning of time. Even though I was created in the year 1764 (a short lifetime for any of my people)I got to see more than I had ever bargained for as a little girl growing up in Boston. That was when the clothes on my back actually mattered. They were the thin line between life and death during a deep freeze. Now there is no "life" and there is no "death". Not for me. My life before was peaceful. So peaceful, I used to think it was all just a story, a story I'd imagined or had once has told to me. Sometimes I wish it had been just a story, so that I could not compare the joyousness of my mortal life with the horror of my reality.
Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :
When does the story start? I find it hard to sympathize with a narrator when I don't know what they're talking about. The narrator is mourning life, and I've got no reason to care about it yet.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I'm a little lost too.
First give us something to grab hold of--to relate to--then sink me into all the specifics along the way.
Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
I like it. Reminds me a little bit of Anne Rice's style...
Just a few questions, is this an alternate history piece? And is she human and was she created into something?
Because to me this seems like earth since you say Boston in the year 1764, but with what happened I suppose it's a story that has a "what if?" to it. Also since you say she was created and not born, it makes me think she isn't human or was once and been transformed somehow.
Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :
I'm also feeling a little lost here. I think you open up with too many unexplained details. Instead of feeling curious, I'm just feeling overwhelmed with half-formed thoughts.
[This message has been edited by Aalanya (edited August 05, 2006).]
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Give the narrator a name. I loved everything else. I'd keep reading.
Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :
I loved the first two sentences. After that you could have showed me the MC (I agree she needs a name) doing whatever she did in Boston and I would’ve kept reading because of those two awesome sentences. They are the hook to me.
Like always, I, Miss Redundancy agrees with Aalanya about the amount of unexplained things. I felt a bit “whoa, slow down just a second”.
I’d read on anyhow, hoping the information avalanche stopped at some point.
Nicole
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited August 05, 2006).]
Posted by aingeal (Member # 3607) on :
Hey, thanks for the feedback! It'll probably take a while to alter the first paragraph, since writing a catchy opening is the hardest thing for me to do. But at least now I know what sounds good and what doesn't. Again thanks. Also, to answer a few questions it's a paranormal/fantasy story and the heroine is a vampire, which is in line 14. lol She does have a name and I'll be sure to stick it somewhere in the opening paragraph, but should she introduce herself? Like "my name is So-and-So and I..."?
She does have a name and I'll be sure to stick it somewhere in the opening paragraph, but should she introduce herself? Like "my name is So-and-So and I..."?