*******
Cadet Nyra Hutchings sat grim-faced in the transport. The ship that brought her here had dropped the tiny lander out the airlock. The landing jets on the little vehicle were just sufficient to set down on the airless asteroid without crashing. The light gravity caused the one-person vehicle to bounce several times before coming to rest.
Nyra pulled the scope down and peered in a 360 degree circle around the lander, revealing a bleak landscape of gray rock and dust. She saw the tip of the dome over a rise at 90 degrees, but passed it by to first check the entire surrounding area. Look before you leap was a good motto for any situation when you don't know where the hell you are.
[This message has been edited by Marva (edited August 06, 2006).]
Point well-taken on the first paragraph and lots of 'the's. I might point out the first three words comprise the main character's name and that she's a cadet. There isn't anybody else present. Should I start by describing the characters physical attributes? I do this later in the chapter when she looks in a mirror and it makes more sense (to me).
[This message has been edited by Marva (edited August 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Marva (edited August 06, 2006).]
The second paragraph is a bit confusing. She sees the dome and passes by it -- as if it is expected to be there. No indication it is a surprise to her. The next sentence, however, indicates she doesn't know where she is.
These items made the opening difficult to parse, and hence did not hook me.
Make the description more mysterious/secretive with a held breath quality to it since that is far more interesting. Play it up. But don’t lecture. Use active, specific details. Make the reader curious. Leave till later the fact of Nyra being grim-faced in a vague “transport.”
Also – transport, ship, lander, vehicle – a lot of vague terms and it is not absolutely, perfectly clear how many vehicles you are referring to. I think, two. But I could be wrong. You could name the ship and maybe use some designation for the small landing craft. That would help make your references easier to keep track of.
And the “look before you leap” bit was confusing. Hasn’t she already “leaped” in coming down some place she doesn’t know where she is?
I can hold off Nyra until a bit later. An unspecified person landing on an airless asteroid. She's my MC so I don't want to wait too long to introduce her, but she can come after the first 13 lines, I'd think.
Thanks!
(Just a small comment to address something you mention later on: The idea of describing a character by having her look in a mirror has been used so often as to almost qualify as cliche. You can slip in what details you feel are important here and there, in reference to the events/actions that make them important. Otherwise, it isn't necessary to provide an in-depth physical description at all.)
Novice: I've been nailed so many times for failing to describe my MC that I figured I had to give some description of her somewhere in the first chapter. I suppose it could be worked in and I'll see if I can do that without a big glaring THIS IS WHAT THE CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE!!!
*****
The tiny lander dropped from the Scorpion's airlock. Landing jets on the little vehicle were just sufficient to set down on the airless asteroid without crashing. Light gravity caused the one-person vehicle to bounce several times before coming to rest.
Cadet Nyra Hutchings pulled the scope down and peered in a 360 degree circle around the lander, revealing a bleak landscape of gray rock and dust. She saw the tip of the dome over a rise at 90 degrees, but passed it by to first check the entire surrounding area.
The final exam from the Academy was real-life and deadly. Some fiendishly clever Board of Examiners thought up these tests and they rarely, if ever, repeated themselves. That prevented cribbing from former cadets who had passed in previous classes.
Those minor points aside, this is a good opening, better than the first version and good enough that I would keep reading.
Thanks.