Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Whitmore Estate

This is topic The Whitmore Estate in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ken_hawk (Member # 2647) on :

This is a rewrite froman untitled story that I posted the opening to earlier. Just need a crit on these 13. Does this opening feel like it flows naturally?

....

“If you ever raise a hand to her again I swear you’ll regret it.” said Bryce. His stepfather inched towards him with the scent of vodka on his breath and a look of hatred overflowing from his eyes. Larry had hated Bryce since the moment he had met Bryce’s mother. He knew all too well that she loved Bryce more than him, and he made her pay for it many times over. The tell-tale bruise that began forming on her cheek was enough to prove that. Why she had married him after his father died was lost on Bryce. He guessed that she was so starved for affection that she was willing to put up with anything to get it. But Bryce wasn’t a child anymore. He knew this had to end.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

A little rearrangement would fix the feeling of confusion I had here. First I'll detail the confusion.

“If you ever raise a hand to her again I swear you’ll regret it.” said Bryce. His stepfather inched towards him with the scent of vodka on his breath and a look of hatred overflowing from his eyes.
> I'd rather know the relationships first. At this point this is what I think: it's Bryce's POV; stepfather has been hitting Bryce's girlfriend or wife.

Larry had hated Bryce since the moment he had met Bryce’s mother. He knew all too well that she loved Bryce more than him, and he made her pay for it many times over.
> OK, it's *Larry's* POV, and he's hitting Bryce's mother.

The tell-tale bruise that began forming on her cheek was enough to prove that. Why she had married him after his father died was lost on Bryce.
> No, it's Bryce's POV!

You could tell us up front: Bryce's stepfather Larry hit Bryce's mother. *Before* the dialog, which after all comes *after* the hitting (and Bryce's seeing the bruise).

To fix the POV problem, you could change "Larry knew..." to "Surely he knew..." or "Bryce knew Larry was aware..." or some such.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

This all being in one paragraph makes it very hard to read. Separeate the dialogue from the rest and maybe start with the second sentence first, then have Bryce say his thing. And Will made a good point about the relationships. I thought this was in Bryce's POV until line three, then wasn't sure, then though no it's in Bryce....

I just think it needs to be made more clear.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I felt like there was a little too much information in the opening paragraph. In the heat of the moment, Bryce wouldn't be thinking about his whole history with Larry, although he might be thinking about the bruise and their mutual hatred.

Posted by Rosalie005 (Member # 3676) on :

I agree with some of the other posts, it does seem as if there is a lot going on in this first paragraph. however I think that it might be easier to understand simply by shifting some of the sentences. for instance:
"If you ever raise a hand to her again I swear you'll regret it." Bryce said as his stepfather, Larry, inched towards him.