Just want opinions on the revamped opening. The old opening is at the previous Spinner's Yard thread.
“My name is Hannah Leah. I am a wife, a mother and a
grandmother. But first I was, and am, a spinner. It is said
that a spinner is measured by the quality of the yarn she
spins. This is my yarn…”
CHAPTER ONE
April 1, 1944
Hannah Leah Ennis climbed out of her father’s Cadillac
with apprehension. The farmyard where she stood was quiet and
unadorned with only a white-washed cottage and red barn in view.
Her mother, Miriam, stuck her nose in the air. “I hate
the country. Everything is so plain.” She said, “These people
don’t even realize their poverty.”
Miriam turned in a circle. “Well, Hannah Leah. This is
where your foolishness has left you.”
cll
Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :
I just read the first Spinner fragment, and I've got to say that you've improved it very much here. I already know an awful lot about Miriam, I know that there's tension and conflict between Miriam and Hannah Leah and it's just one paragraph.
I don't know how attached you are to using both of Hannah Leah's name - brings to mind Puff the Magic Dragon's home, Honah Lee(sp) - but it's a small annoyance to the reader. I think it would be less annoying if it were Hannah Lee. I think Hannah Lee-ah is one syllable too many. (I'm a southerner, so I understand about using both names ).
I'm not qualified to comment on the little prologue, but, personally, I like it.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
Wayne,
You hit me with a knife! I "was" very attached to Hannah Leah's name until you pointed out the "Puff" resemblance. Also you reminded me as a writer I need to be able to bend in the wind when it comes to making needed changes, no matter how much in love with something I might be. Thanks.
cll
Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :
I didn't mean to strike with a knife. And I don't have a problem with remembering Puff, either. I just think that a three syllable name is easier on the tongue and the reader than a four syllable name. You've never heard of an Ellie Mary or a Billy Bobby - It's Ellie Mae & Billy Bob.
If Hannah Lee looks too masculine, how about Hannah Leigh?
BTW, I think you've really got a great beginning here.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
Thanks Wayne! I actually like Hannah Leigh quite a bit. I am considering a change.
cll
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
I really like this, it is a precised beginning to a much longer tale. Do you have any more of it?
I've taken spinning classes, and as a beginner, my yarn could be generously described as "designer," or more aptly put as "terrible," all lumpy and bumpy.
Sort of like how Hannah-Leah is going to be starting her life and this story. I agree with the comments on Hannah-Leah being a bit of a mouthful for your MC. How about just plain "Hannah," which is a good earthy sounding name, as is Miriam. I guess I have more of a quibble with Miriam, as I keep thinking of her in Old Testement frame of mind. But that is just my opinion
My favorite was a Saxon style wheel. BTW.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
Thanks Mommiller. I had two chapters written but after just a few short days here at hatrack and after perusing the book "The First Five Pages" I need to tighten it or in other words cut the heck out of it. If you are interested in reading/critiquing the piece please let me know.
P.S. My mother-in-law is the spinner and I will be relying on her knowlege for the technical aspects of the novel.
cll
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
Yes, once you are satisified with your tweaks and want to send it on, let me know. I would not mind reading the first chapter of this.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
Coolness! It shouldn't be too long before I have a chance to finish reworking it. I'm hoping for it to be done by Monday. I found my husband a great little fishing boat at a garage sale for cheap, so he owes me.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
So why is Hannah apprehensive? If it's worth telling us, it's worth telling us why. I think if you said that, I'd be hooked. I liked the snobbiness dialog later.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
wbriggs,
You find out in the next paragraph- lines sixteen and seventeen.
The chapter is reworked and is around 1,000 words if you would be interested in critiquing it.
cll
Posted by Loretta (Member # 3639) on :
I'd definitely read on; this is much more readable than the earlier version. I get the feeling the relationship between Hannah and Miriam is going to be important in the story as a whole? One small suggestion. This may be only my individual reaction, but I found the word 'unadorned' broke up the rhythm. It isn't necessary to say unadorned because Miriam comments on how plain it is, but if you wanted to keep the thought there maybe a different word?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
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