quote:Alex Gray waited unhappily in Senator Robert Lopez’ anteroom. “God, I hate this waiting,” he thought. He tried to conceal his restlessness by sitting very still and gazing absently at a painting on the wall facing him. It was a print of a painting he recognized. “Oh, yeah,” he remembered,”Seurat, the pointillist guy.” As he looked at the happy crowd of Parisians enjoying that summer afternoon over a century ago, he considered the irony of the subject. He wondered what the temperature was in Paris this afternoon.
“Don’t dwell on it,” he told himself, but he couldn’t help remembering that he heard the temperature reported as one-hundred-three at nine o’clock that morning. Yesterday had been Memorial Day, the traditional start of the summer vacation season.
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 24, 2006).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
No, don't make him easily distracted, just make him aware of his surroundings and what they mean to him, now. The painting isn't important because it shows Paris, it's important because it shows he's in the anteroom of Senator Lopez' office, where he's about to discuss something affecting the future of humanity. He doesn't care about Seurat right now, if he cared about Seurat enough to identify the painter, he'd already know that the Senator had this picture in his anteroom, and he would ignore it. Perhaps he'd think something like "There was a painting by Seurat on the wall. He'd thought, rather idiotically, that it would be good to arrive a few minutes early and appreciate it a little. But it was impossible with [whatever is hanging over this guy's head, which you still haven't managed to communicate to me]."
You aren't seeing the world as he sees it, and what you're telling us instead isn't very interesting.
Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :
This fragment is drifting down the page, so I'm posting this reply to keep it active. I'm hoping for a few more critiques. Please have at it.
BTW. Thanks, Survivor. I think I'm finally starting to understand what you're talking about. I also think that to do what you're suggesting I've got to move my beginning back in time again.
(Edited to add the comment to Survivor)
[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 24, 2006).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It's possible.
From what you've said elsewhere, I think that you might be better off plunking Alex down in front of a desk, perhaps with an assistant or subordinate. Let him think about the main problem and plan what he's going to do about it. Maybe give him a computer so he can show us some things. That would also be a good way to give us a flavor for his position in this world and his overarching motives.
Posted by Wayne (Member # 3675) on :
You're a step ahead of me. My tentative plan is to start (after the 9-lines "free paragraph") with Alex sitting before a computer screen. I say tentative, because I've been so busy trying to learn how to write this thing, I haven't had a lot of time to do much writing. And I'm expecting The First Five Pages to be delivered tomorrow or Saturday.
And, BTW, I'm moving him ahead in time from this fragment, not back.
(edited to fit your screen)
[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 24, 2006).]