Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short SF/Fantasy Untitled

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Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :

I just wrote this at work as there's nothing much to do (thus effectively I'm finally getting paid for my writing, though not quite how I envisaged) Roughly a 1000 words, SF/fantasy short. Is there a hook here? Any comments welcome.

It six o’clock in the morning and I’m face down on the floor again. Ho hum. To lose the use of one’s legs is an unfortunate side-effect of the substances my new flat mate concocts, but a small price to pay for the pleasure of not having to think about Maria, and more specifically, the reasons she left me.
Damn! I just thought of her again. Must be sobering up.
The wind whistles down the chimney, stirring dust in the empty fire place. I manage to raise my head briefly and open my eyes. Our big front room, now devoid of furniture - save for the shabby green sofa and television Gordy brought with him – looks even bigger from the floor up. And my bedroom, through the open door, across the hallway, is s whole continent of carpet away. A carpet that is beginning to stink like a soggy Irish wolfhound, I realise.

Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :

Zoot,

It- should be it's
s- should be a
continent of carpet and the carpet/stink/wolfhound- great descriptions

Drop the I realise at the end of the sentence. Redundent.

I like it but there doesn't seem to be the hook. The Maria aspect would seem like it should be the hook but you pass on by that to give us a room description.

cll

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I liked it. I think the voice and characterization was good, and I'd definitely give the next paragraph or two a read. Ship it to me if you like.

There's nothing unique about a strung-out hung over lovesick slob, though, so if you only have a thousand words, I hope something interesting happens in it.

Posted by Skarecrow (Member # 3798) on :

there's nothing new anywhere in the world...it's all in how you tell us YOUR story, with YOUR voice....so far, I like the voice, and I would read more....let's see what this bloke is like!

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Not hooked yet, maybe because MC isn't struggling -- he seems content where he is.

Suggest you drop "ho hum." Readers are suggestible, and it wouldn't be good for them to associate "ho hum" with your story!

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

I really enjoyed it.

I liked the idea behind the 2nd paragraph ("Damn! I just thought of her again. Must be sobering up.") but it felt a little clunky to me. I think it's the "Damn!" When I bother to order my thoughts into sentences, I'm usually stating something I've already worked out in a quicker, more fundamental way. This could of course just be me, but it made me feel as if the "Damn!" wasn't quite organic. I would maybe go with saying along the lines of: "Except I just thought of her again." Something a little drier, more ironic. I think that would match the tone you're going for a little better.

Other than that, generally quite amusing, nice voice. I likey.

Posted by Ted.O (Member # 3708) on :

I like the dry sense of humor that is apparent in this piece. Initially, I was alarmed that the character was so unconcerned with his paralyzed legs, but then I realized that he'd probably been through this before, and it became humorous. I'm assuming that, with the use of the word "flat" that our character (and possibly the author) is British. That would explain the dry humor.

Senory details nicely done. I esp. liked "continent of carpet." However, in the last sentence about the carpet smelling like an Irish Wolfhound, you don't need the tag "I realise." In first person, that is implied, and you keep the reader closer to the experience without it.