Hatrack River Writers Workshop: YA Fantasy

This is topic YA Fantasy - prologue in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :

Since chapter 1 begins in the real world, I thought a prologue might help hook the fantasy reader/agent/editor. The MCs don't cross to Mirona till chapter 4. Comments and suggestions?

“Don’t touch the stone you idiot. It cannot be bent.” The witch of Marlinda chided him, lounging on his throne like the impertinent wench she was.

Saladan reached for the watchstone, aloft on its golden stand. If the five witnesses were in Mirona, he could locate and destroy them. He gripped its smooth surface and focused his thoughts, waiting for the usual warming that preceded each answering vision. The stone heated and Saladan smirked at the brazen witch.

Smoke rose from his fingers. A white-hot light punctured his palm. The stench of flesh, his own, made his stomach lurch but he couldn’t release the orb. A fiery pain snaked through his hand, grinding sinew, mangling blood vessels, writhing up his arm.

[This message has been edited by djh (edited September 12, 2006).]

Posted by Skarecrow (Member # 3798) on :

I liked the read, and would read more, but it felt a little disjointed...I had to read it three times, liking it better with each read, but you need to get it exactly right so I can do that in one read only. Obviously, that is the joy of it, isn't it? I also think you might need the word "burning" added to the phrase "the stench of burning flesh." Good start....give it some work, and I think I would read more...

edited to catch my own goof...shame on me

[This message has been edited by Skarecrow (edited September 12, 2006).]

Posted by Rhynedahll (Member # 3856) on :

"impertinent wench" seems a little tired.

Also, I'd rather see a full fledged female character. Intellegent or stupid, resourceful or inept, honest or evil, or a mix of all of those.

Beautiful but vapid seems like stage dressing.

If she's playing the part of a sexpot to manipulate a male character, fine, but show me that right off the bat.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

I like this set-up of the prologue taking place in the fantasy setting if Chap 1 takes place in the real world.

Some of the things I wonderered about were:

1)Does Saladan make it a habit to provoke the witch? If so, why, maybe a tiny hint here. Likewise for the Witch provoking him.

2)Are we talking about a flexible stone when the witch mentions bending it, or do you mean that Saladan is "bending," its properties for its own use?

3)If this is a "usual," occurance, Saladan using the stone, why the warning at all?

4)Is the pain mentioned in the third paragraph something unusual? Why doesn't he just let go. Will something terrible happen if he did?

Since this is the first chapter of a much longer work, I think the prologue could be fleshed out a bit more. To me, this introduction seems a bit rushed. I do like the premise though and would read more.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited September 13, 2006).]

Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :

Saladan reached for the watchstone, aloft on its golden stand.

“Take care, watchman." The haughty witch of Marlinda lounged on his throne. "According to the ancient writings of Dunamis, the stones will destroy those who countermand the prophecies.”

“The prophet's words are drivel, Hermoness.”

“Proceed then.”

Saladan could tell from the eagerness in her eyes that she wanted him to challenge the stone’s power. If the five witnesses were in Mirona, as the prince reported, he would locate them with the stone and eliminate them.

He gripped its smooth surface with his right hand, as usual, and focused his thoughts. He waited for the stone’s warmth to grow, signaling an answering vision. The orb heated

I tried to clarify things in this revision, but consequently the action is bumped down. Rhynedahll, thanks for comments on the witch's vapidness. I had to rethink how she was portrayed here. Mommiller, I hope it's clearer now - the stone heats up before the watchman receives an answering vision. Though you can't see it in this revision, his hand melds to the stone so he can't release it. Skarecrow, thanks for the encouragement. Is this better?
dj

[This message has been edited by djh (edited September 13, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I like the second version better. I still want to know why Saladan is reaching for the watchstone.

(I like the idea of putting this in prolog, btw.)

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Yes, much better.