Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Names (first 15 lines)

This is topic Names (first 15 lines) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Kherezae (Member # 2855) on :

It's supposed to be thirteen, I know, but I wanted to end it natural-like at the end of a paragraph.

I have my worries about not giving him a name at first. It's the character, and I can't see him any other way, but it could cause such confusion. And oh, the pronouns. So for now I'm going with it, but it's kind of testing, to make sure it'll work out.

quote:
He had many names and none.
He had no given name; Jonas, the darkskin healer he had spent his early years with, had called him Boy and told him his mother was a whore who brought him to Jonas and stole away when he turned his back. Jonas didn’t have the heart to leave an infant on the street, and so he raised a child that wasn’t his own, working Boy’s fingers to the bone the moment he was old enough. He wouldn’t give Boy a real name for fear of growing too fond of the burden the whore had left him. For almost ten years he was Boy, and he learned the magic of healing from Jonas. He learned quickly and well; Jonas was neither forgiving nor patient.
But when he began to learn to heal too well—when a kindly woman with hardly the glass to keep herself fed and healthy

[This message has been edited by Kherezae (edited September 13, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 13, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I think you've got a strong case for not putting a name on line one -- in fact, you *make* that case.

I'm not hooked yet. Foundling learns a trade; OK. I need something else to make me want to read on.

Posted by Skarecrow (Member # 3798) on :

Good start...I am peaked...would like to know more....good writing, I think, with some good "hangers" that would have me reading more, but like wbriggs said, we need more....

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

He has a name: Boy. But, I agree that you don't, in this case, need a traditional name on line one if the POV is not Boy's. If it is, he's going to think of himself by some label.

Although, you may be spending too much time in establishing why he doesn't have a name.

It may be sufficient to say:

"He had no given name. Jonas, the darkskin healer he had spent his early years with, had called him Boy. Jonas wouldn’t give Boy a real name for fear of growing too fond of the burden a whore had abandoned and left in his custody. For almost ten years, Boy learned the art of healing from Jonas . . . "

Now you have the line space to tell me what is happening with Boy now.

I liked it though. I'm interested. If it was a novel length I'd probably give you a bit more space to give me a reason to care about Boy now but not much.

Posted by Kherezae (Member # 2855) on :

It's more complex than just boy, is the problem. It's the major reason I'm not sure how to work it out and still make it an appropriate hook. I was thinking the second paragraph sounds too bulky... Kathleen (can I just call her by her first name?) cut out most of the third, it might help explain it a little better. My fault, I didn't realize how strict the thirteen-line rule was. (Although what's left is 10-11 lines on my computer, 12pt Times New Roman, fiddling with the margins... is 12pt Times New Roman not the default for manuscripts anymore?)

Anyway, the beginning is a little long, maybe too long, before getting to the current 'action'. 777 words (odd number). To me it fits the character, book, and scene... but there could be a better way to do it that I'm not seeing.

The thing is that I have to give at least a brief explanation of his names before I launch into the story proper or no one will have a clue what I'm talking about. It's his perspective, and he has about four names aside from Boy, which he tries to avoid using for himself. So depending on what he's doing, he'll think of himself as Sharp-Eyes, Adder, Fingers, or Black Gold. Or Boy on a bad day.

Posted by franc li (Member # 3850) on :

Jonas' rationale for not naming him is a POV issue. Like, he can have a quote of Jonas saying that is why, or you can insert "He imagined Jonas didn't name him because..."

Posted by Kherezae (Member # 2855) on :

Thanks for the heads-up, though it's a phrasing issue, I suppose. He knows why Jonas refused to name him. Hm, I'll have to find a better way to put it.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

The default for manuscripts has always been 12-point courier because that's what typewriters do.

Typesetters (the people we use manuscript format for) have not changed their requirements just because people can do Times Roman on their computers.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

And yes, please, call me Kathleen.

(I prefer it so much more than Katherine or Kathy or other things that people do with my name.)

If you don't want to call me Kathleen, you may call me SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED.

Posted by markburnash (Member # 3601) on :

I like it.
The world as yet to be revealed contains promise.
A few of the sentences seem like they run on a bit and there are a few words that could be omitted to streamline the narrative.

Posted by Kherezae (Member # 2855) on :

Thanks, Kathleen, I ... somehow didn't know that. Good information.

And thanks to everyone who has posted, I really appreciate the feedback.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

You're welcome.

Typesetter requirements are also why only the first 13 lines are on the first page of a short story manuscript. Editors write notes to the typesetter in the other half of the first page and sometimes they need lots of space in which to do that.