The evening before I reached the front line, I lodged in a camp south of Antwerp to await my morning ride. I was reserved a spot in a tent with fifteen, though by appearance it was designed for less than ten.
“It can’t be helped,” the assistant quartermaster insisted, handing me a mass of hay wrapped in two blankets. “We’re simply overbooked.” I conceived an expression of acceptance upon seeing these components for my bunk.
“I’ve spent a few nights under the stars,” I lied, cursing internally my lifetime of sleep on soft surfaces.
“That’s good,” he replied, grasping his clipboard and pen. “And your name again?” I nervously repeated my family name, and to my surprise and relief, he showed no sign of recognition.
Now that you've read, can anyone tell me what they think about the narrator? Where does he come from?
"I conceived an expression of acceptance upon seeing these components for my bunk."
Sounds very early twentieth century England, upper class.
Am I right?
"We're simply overbooked." I conceived...
This suggests that "I" said it. A paragraph break will fix it.
I was a little tempted to skip in paragraph 1, but after that I was hooked.
MC is British, I think, and is of some upper-class family that now has a bad reputation. He may have volunteered, partly to distance himself from them. It's WWI, I think. I like him.
My journey from England to Belgium’s front brought me to an evening layover in Camp 130 south of Antwerp. Though I was miles from the action, the camp provided my first account of war’s cost through my lodging with twenty others in a tent for ten.
“It can’t be helped,” the assistant quartermaster asserted, handing me a mass of hay wrapped in two blankets. “We’re simply overbooked.”
I conceived an expression of acceptance as I grasped the components for my bunk. “I’ve spent a few nights under the stars,” I claimed confidently to sell the lie.
“That’s good,” he replied, grasping his clipboard and pen. “What was your name again?” I repeated my last name. To my surprise and relief, he showed no sign of recognition.
Truth be told, my story takes place during ww2, though it is very true that the line in ww1 went through southern Belgium. Also, my MC is American upper-class, and very conscious that he's fighting alongside depression era children. His voice is meant to signify his privileged status, as well as a lack of social interaction with those of the lower class. I'm considering removing that from his voice because it might lead the reader astray.
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited September 14, 2006).]
the assistant quartermaster asserted
I claimed confidently
he replied
Sometimes, even the wealthy say, "he said."
To say it another way... the term lacks feeling.
.....
....I think I just made myself sound retarded.