Some of the wording seems kind of clunky in places I think. But does it hook. Would anyone keep reading?
That the landscape was alien was blindingly obvious to the lone figure crouched on one knee. Even wearing a bulky hostile-environment suit, Tim Selsor thought he could almost feel the grating sand filled air gnawing at his skin. The heat was real enough. Haloed by the dust high above him, was the massive red giant star that bathed this planet in light – and heat. Even with the suit he was drenched in sweat. Through the gloom he saw it. Standing before him, Tim could make it out only partially through the storm. It's shape was unmistakable. Standing close to three meters tall and on planet that only recently had been visited by mankind, was an almost perfect crucifix, complete with a vaguely humanoid figure fixed to it. Tim prayed to a god he now knew existed.
[This message has been edited by poserwriter765 (edited September 14, 2006).]
Posted by I need a good user name (Member # 3812) on :
I would continue to read it Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I believe you're picturing this in your head as the start of a movie: the landscape, the lone figure. But who's seeing it? In cinema, you can't help it: you must have a camera. But in print, I think it works better to start w MC's POV (especially since you're about to do that anyway).
Let us know what Tim perceives and thinks. By the time we get to that crucifix, I want to know why he's on the alien world, and what his religion is, so I'll know the significance to him. (As it is, I don't understand. My reaction to this scene is, there's someone being tortured to death, rather than, there's my God.)
I'd keep reading at least long enough to see why Tim reacts this way. If I didn't find out in next paragraph, though, I'd give up.
Posted by markburnash (Member # 3601) on :
you are correct it is clunky in places there are grammar errors and unnecessary words that bog the flow of the text down. edit your own work ruthlessly, don't be afraid to rewrite.
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
This is your third posted fragment, but you haven't been contributing comments to other fragments or the open discussions. I'm disinclined to offer feedback.
