The Admiral was a veteran of 3 campaigns and was never easily rattled. An imposing figure, even when seated, it was a special few that spoke first when in his presence. “What is it?” He didn’t turn his eye towards the Chief of Staff.
“We are receiving a vast assortment of electromagnetic signals.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 15, 2006).]
(The Admiral sat at the command console as the Chief of Staff approached)
(The Chief of Staff quickly approached the Admiral poised at the helm of the command console.)
work on brevity, or saying the same thing with fewer words
i.e.
The Admiral was a veteran of 3 campaigns and was never easily rattled
(The Admiral, a veteran of three campaigns, was never easily rattled)
quote:Grammatically, the phrase "as he sat at the command console" refers to the Chief of Staff. The CoS can't approach something and be sitting at a console at the same time.
The Admiral’s Chief of Staff approached him as he sat at the command console.
markburnash is right, you could say the same things more concisely, and tightening your writing would make it more compelling. There is a worthwhile kernel in this opening, but it is buried in a lot of unnecessary words.
The part that sparked my interest was "it was a special few that spoke first when in his presence".
Your first lines must pop with promise. I agree your writing needs to be tightened, but also think you need to create a more bequiling intro.
It doesn't engage me. If you dropped me inside a single character's head, have him thinking interesting thoughts, then *boom* some action happens... that would perk up my interest. But to have a scene open with a bunch of talking heads giving me information about a world I do not yet know, nor care about, doesn't hook me. Maybe the Admiral has a name, and maybe he's worried about his family, his promotion, the crappy coffee-maker is on the fritz: ("All this money for fancy spaceships and they still can't guarantee a good cup of coffee?") Maybe his carefully laid plans for the day suddenly get shot to heck and gone... the electromagnetic pulse just shorted out some doohinky they need to send signals to something...
In short, don't TELL us. SHOW us.
My suggestion is to skip the intro, and plop us into the story after some action takes place. Put some tension in that beginning. We don't need to know the background in the first 13, but we do need a promise that there is something interesting about to happen.
My two centavos.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited September 19, 2006).]