I've rewritten chapter one of YA fantasy novel (approx. 65,000 words) and got rid of a pesky nightmare scene. Suggestions/ comments on this new opening?
When the white limo pulled in front of Jack Abraham’s ramshackle trailer outside Aspen, it was almost midnight. Jack wondered about it later. If he hadn’t chosen to leave his own twentieth birthday party early, he would have missed the visitation entirely. Of course, his actual birthday was a few days off, but he'd be gone then. Jack unfolded from the plastic lawn chair and pushed a wavy strand of hair out of his face as the limo door opened. He probably shouldn’t receive guests in his boxer shorts, but anyone stupid enough to drop by at midnight deserved it. Besides, he knew only one family preposterous enough to send a limo to a trailer park. His. A polished little man he knew only as Winston emerged.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Intriguing. It definitely made me want to turn the page.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I'm wondering what Jack's reaction is to this white limo. Is he surprised? Excited? Annoyed? Afraid? Engage me by showing me his emotional reactions. I don't want to be told about his passive thoughts. I want to be SHOWN how he reacts. The lawn chair probably doesn't matter to the plot, but I would wager that Jack's emotional involvement in the unfolding events do.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
I think after the opening sentence, that everything until the boxer shorts line can be cut. Then you have room to show us more emotion from the MC. I like it though. I want to read on.
Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :
I'd probably keep reading this.
Just a couple of nits: being folded in a lawn chair sounds painfull. I was folded in a hideabed once, I still have nightmares. and Jack Abraham sounds too much like Jack Abramof.
[This message has been edited by Pyre Dynasty (edited September 20, 2006).]
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
Great hook, I genuinely wanted to read on.
Posted by englshmjr18 (Member # 3906) on :
i agree with the cut proposed above, and would add to it to get:
"When the white limo pulled in front of Jack Abraham’s ramshackle trailer outside Aspen, it was almost midnight. Jack wondered about it. He probably shouldn’t receive guests in his boxer shorts, but anyone stupid enough to drop by at midnight deserved it. Besides, he knew only one family preposterous enough to send a limo to a trailer park. His. A polished little man he knew as Winston emerged."
edited to say that i really liked this.
[This message has been edited by englshmjr18 (edited September 22, 2006).]