They call me Death.
Those whose relatives and friends died by my blade. Those who have seen me in battle. Those who have merely heard tales of me.
They call me Death. The Wielder of Sa’er. The Heartless.
Once I was not her. She was not me. Once. I was a foolish girl. A bumbling villager. Not yet a woman. Not still a child. I was merely Kri’na.
I am no longer her now.
And the memories fade.
But never leave.
My country; no, it was only borders and fields, nothing more. Fields that I later ravaged. Borders that later were useless to me. Every country was a new battlefield. A new place to fight.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 20, 2006).]
 

This almost seems to be a parody of a stilted soliloquy.
 

Also, when I look past the things already mentioned and examine the actual content, I find that it's mostly exposition of backstory, slightly disguised because it's written in first person. I would prefer to start right away where the story starts, and learn the backstory as I go along.
 

Yes, it was supposed to be written sort of poetic, but not all of it is backstory, sojoyful.
And there's nothing to 'wade' through, considering the fact that the grand total is about 2 pages. That would be why it's called a SHORT story.
I'm not all defense, though. I understand what you're getting at, althoguh I also have this on another website and I've gotten pretty good reviews, so maybe I just have a target audience, no?

The way of writing seems to be what you guys all hate. I guess I'm just trying to symbolize how choppy her thoughts are. She states the facts, and nothing more.

Think of it this way: at least I'm writing like this on purpose.
I read a fic once that was basically,

'She awoke from her slumber. And got up. Then she turned on the light. And yawned.'

Well, your feedback is still appreciated. Maybe I'll try writing it in a more flowing style, see how people like it.

May I say that this is my first original story ever?

Thank you for your helpful reviews.
 

Glad to have you here with us.

A lot of people write the way they do, intentionally but that doesn't mean it is effective. A great example is all of us (yes that included me) who withhold information the POV would know thinking we are being clever/creating mystery. It's not. It is just a poor way to tell the story.

For two pages, I might wade through the style but it would be wading and it is definately a might. What bothers me more than the poetic format is the repetition and POV violation.

Why would this POV think about or care what the relatives and friends of people she's killed think about her? What you have is an info dump that is wrapped in the guise of a first person soliliquy. The POV didn't ring true to me.

If she thinks in clipped sentances show me with sentances that she would actually think as she goes about killing and such. Why would she tell us about the bumbling village girl she use to be?

Also, why is she telling * me * this?

I get that she's something like Xena but I want a story not a history lesson. I could handle maybe a line or two about her being called The Heartless but you lay it on a bit thick. Less in this case is probably more.

Try to trim the back history (which is what you have here) and get to the plot. If you do, the writing should be smoother which will make a reader want to approach it.

Hope it helps.

I like this, but I hate how it's framed. The incomplete sentences don't help you(or us).
 

I think it could be told more simply and increase the intended effect. Maybe it could gain from more characterisation.

This is the idea order I would use:

They call me the Wielder of Sa’er. The Heartless. Death.
Once I was a foolish girl. No longer. Though my memories fade, they never disappear. Maybe that is why I visited extinction on my own countrymen first.
I have desolated lands and kingdoms. I have ordered and reordered borders; erased all knowledge of deeds, tongues and peoples. Yet none are entirely gone. Each one preserved within my head. I cannot forget.

I put that last few lines there so we get a glimpse into this characters mind, that's all, an indication of this character's struggle. It may be off the mark but you know what i mean.

Your first thirteen are promising us that the things you mention are important: therefore we are expecting most to hear more about Kr'ina and her memories and why she destroyed her own land and what made her feel so foolish and lead her to become death. IMO

Another note, the apostrophe is most often used to indicate a glottal stop. That means it usually occurs between vowels. Try putting a glottal stop in Kr'ina and you end up with something closer to Karina. Your language may not work that way but if the apostrophe does not ADD anything to our understanding of how the word is pronounced I would advise leaving it out.

PS: If you're interested there are some great threads here about the difference between melodrama and drama. I recommend this one. But do a search in Open Discussion and you'll find heaps of stuff about it.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 20, 2006).]
 

yeah, if you're going for poetry, you should use poetic devices: simile, metaphor, alliteration, those kinds of things. poetry is not an excuse to write incomplete sentences. it's the time to focus intently on the language. if she thinks it choppy phrases, there shouldn't be anything BUT that.

prose should be simple and to the point. your monologue only works if she is bragging. push that, and it should be interesting, but might turn readers off. having her torn by what she's become-- we might leave that to shakespeare, or at least the rest of the story.

this has potential, you just have to earn the drama your character wields.

also, "not yet a woman.not still a child." comes remarakbly close to a brittany spears song, doesn't it?