only three lines of a work in progress this is the line i think is the "hook" of the story, though it isn't the first three lines.
“For the murders of Billy Clark and Judy Stevens, you, Citizen Stevens, are hereby sentenced to serve a life sentence of community service at the Oscar Wolfe Foundation.”
[This message has been edited by markburnash (edited September 24, 2006).]
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
What kind of feedback are you looking for?
Nothing of the BAD persuasion jumps out at me, but I do have this thought:
The entire sentence is weakened by "the judge proclaimed" at the end. Can you have the proclamation stand on its own a little more, especially the end? Here are two (rough) ways you might do it:
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The judge banged his gavel and proclaimed, “For the murders of Billy Clark and Judy Stevens, you, Citizen Stevens, are hereby sentenced to serve a life sentence of community service at the Oscar Wolfe Foundation."
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"For the murders of Billy Clark and Judy Stevens, you, Citizen Stevens, are hereby sentenced to serve a life sentence of community service at the Oscar Wolfe Foundation.”
Citizen Stevens stared at the judge, speechless...
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You get the idea.
Posted by markburnash (Member # 3601) on :
awesome thanx
Posted by englshmjr18 (Member # 3906) on :
What, Billy and Judy get first names, but Citizen doesn't? It seems uneven, unless there's some social issue this reflects. or Citizen is just a weird name, i guess.
is there an oscar wolfe, or are you merging oscar wilde and gene wolfe, or something else entirely? if you are merging oscar and gene, it sounds like pretty interesting community service.
also: darkly comic, i very much like.
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
Funny you should say that, englshmjr18. Back when I first read it, I thought it said Oscar Wilde, which I found immensely amusing (in a good way).