Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Another crack at it: let's try again!

This is topic Another crack at it: let's try again! in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by I need a good user name (Member # 3812) on :

Ok, so after hearing from a few suggestions here I decided to give this another crack. I don't want to give too much away right here because I want to see how well this new revision sets up itself, but it's futuristic sci-fi, it's a part of something I've been working on for the past five years or so, and it's something that I must say is near and dear to my heart (hence, along with my busy schedule, why it's been a while since I last posted something). Well, here we go, and I hope this time things work out better

Oh, one more thing: I really do feel that, after taking in some of the suggestions people gave, that it came out much better this time. Before, I originally wrote this really as just extended character notes, but now it feels like a more complete story on its own, with deeper character as well.

Oh, and if you do want to read the whole thing, e-mail me. My address is right up in that profile thingie ^

Amy stepped out onto the outcropping, clueless about why she was here. Taking a long look at her surroundings, she wondered why they didn’t send a standard recon party, about why they went through the trouble and resources to request her, specifically. Even if they needed one of her kind, they could’ve made do with someone lesser than her. Standing around, doing nothing, helping a bunch of lower officers was a considerable waste of her talents, and having found nothing, she began to think that she was sent here on some sort of practical joke.
She gazed upon the expanse before her as the wind pressed against her back and between her legs. Her long skirt fluttered nearly loud enough to obscure all other sounds, and her silky raven hair, despite being cropped where it met her shoulder, blew....

Posted by tortoisefly (Member # 3870) on :

"Amy stepped out onto the outcropping, clueless about why she was here."
You could eliminate "out" as it is implied by "outcropping."

"Taking a long look at her surroundings, she wondered why they didn’t send a standard recon party, about why they went through the trouble and resources to request her, specifically."
Consider "hadn't sent" instead of "didn't send" here. Maybe break it into two sentences for example:
"Taking a long look at her surroundings, she wondered why they hadn't sent a standard recon party. Why did they go through the trouble and resources to request her, specifically?"

"Standing around, doing nothing, helping a bunch of lower officers was a considerable waste of her talents, and having found nothing, she began to think that she was sent here on some sort of practical joke."
I like what this sentence is saying, but it is a bit long (run-on). Maybe consider separating into two(between "talents" and "having found nothing.")

"She gazed upon the expanse before her as the wind pressed against her back and between her legs. Her long skirt fluttered nearly loud enough to obscure all other sounds, and her silky raven hair, despite being cropped where it met her shoulder, blew...."
Yes! I love the imagery here.

The above are just some suggestions. But then again what do I know? *g*

I'd like to read more. I'll e- you.
~ Jeanie

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I suggest a rearrangement of the info, so we can understand each bit. http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

This opening has some problems grammatically (and a POV problem in the last sentence) but the main thing that stuck out for me as I read it was that there is just not enough going on. There is nothing but vague references ("her kind" "someone lesser than her") and some internal musings.

There is nothing here to draw me into the story opening. This needs some pizzazz, something more interesting. You might want to reconsider whether this is really the point you want to start telling the story.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

quote:
I don't want to give too much away

I suffered from this same ailment when I first started submitting fragments. The problem is, the story NEEDS to be giving it away. Don't save your plot for a rainy day because your reader needs to know it now, and if you don't get them what they need, when they need it, you'll lose them.

Specifically, regarding the fragment...

Amy stepped out onto the outcropping, clueless about why she was here.
I simply HATE being told that I'm being told nothing. You could drop that entire sentence, and tell us what we NEED to know simply by saying: Amy stepped onto the outcropping. As she took a long look at her surroundings, she wondered why <at this point you should insert a proper noun to let us know who "they" are> didn't send a recon party.

Even if they needed one of her kind
It is important to anchor the reader with the facts up front. Tell us what "kind" is "her kind"? Is she a psychic? A rebel? A two-headed sheep herder? I find it frustrating, particularly when I am attempting to formulate a mental imagery of the millieu and characters, to be playing the guessing game.

Standing around, doing nothing, helping a bunch of lower officers was a considerable waste of her talents, and having found nothing, she began to think that she was sent here on some sort of practical joke.
Again with the nothing? There is too much nothing. Tell me something that matters to the plot. What IS she doing? Tell us THAT?

She gazed upon the expanse before her as the wind pressed against her back and between her legs.
This comes across to me as trying a tad too hard with the detailed descriptions. You lost me at the point the wind pressed between her legs. It sounds kinky. Saying the wind pressed against her back, and following up with the long skirt fluttering is more than sufficient to give us the idea it's really windy.

I have a sense, however, that with a more direct approach you'll have a story that might interest me. As a reader I'd put it down because of the vagueness and no-thing-happening issues, but if you cleaned those up, I think the essence of your hook would really shine.

Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :

It is a good start, but here is my two cents. The first two questions I have are simply these.

1 when is there someone else in the scene? (Better idea to start with interaction.)

2. What is at stake? Without knowing this from the beginning we have no reason to concern ourselves with her. If you are going to hide that at least give us some sort of character isight.

Also, when and where are we? I get the feeling it is future, but where and when?

Posted by englshmjr18 (Member # 3906) on :

i agree with all of the above; it's not neccesarily prohibited to start out with a lone character gawking and mulling, but it's just been done to death.

and specificity: i would try to avoid words like "surroundings," "kind", "a bunch" "expanse" not because they're bad in and of themselves, but because the cumulative effect leaves her in a white room. if she's not going to be doing anything, then i would try to make what's she's thinking and seeing as absolutely riveting (specific) as possible.

and i must admit i laughed at the bit about her hair blowing in the wind, and her skirt fluttering, NOT because it's bad writing, but because it's a trap that all writers confront: we need to describe our characters AND get inside their heads, but hardly anyone, ever, spends time thinking about describing themselves.

how to escape? i don't know, i just don't know. anyway, hope that helps. it certainly seems that you're moving toward the tension of a story; you just haven't gotten there yet.