“It isn’t safe for you to stay here Curtis.” Drenton patted the young boy on the back and turned him toward the large doors that looked out onto the snowy expanse outside Triada. He knelt down to the boy’s level and pointed to the line of rubble in the snow that marked the extreme outer boundary of Triada, the furthest the little boy could go. “Wait for me there, at the outer boundary. If I don’t come by noon, then run, run away and don’t come back. Whatever you do, whatever it takes, don’t come back.” His voice started to fail as he tried to keep the tears away. “Whatever you have to do don’t stop, not ‘till you’re safe. Not ‘till you’re free.” The boy bowed his head dejectedly. “You’re sending me
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 27, 2006).]
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
Another opening that I like. In this one though, I'm confused by curtis'"You're sending me away... I'm not pleasing". I thought you made if very clear that there was danger of some sort and the boy was being sent away for safety. Wouldn't the boy know that too? Is he too young? I don't know the character well enough to believe that he would be that naive.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Punctuation and paragraphing issues block me from really getting into it.
I found the boy's "am I not pleasing" plausible provided he's young enough, but Drenton's reaction is strange. Why would he consider this cruel? I'm not saying he woulnd't, I'm saying I don't know why -- so you'll have to tell us.
Posted by englshmjr18 (Member # 3906) on :
i actually bought all of the dialogue, and like the tension between the two. my only issue was with the what, "placement" sentences: "Drenton patted the young boy...expanse outside Triada", "He knelt down to the boy's level...the furthest the little boy could go."
they're obviously conveying important information, but they're long enough that they don't punch, they detract from the drama you have here. perhaps break them up. perhaps subordinate some clauses.
that's all. i suspect you're trying something unique here, splitting up the master and his pupil at the very beginning? very nice.
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
Hmm, tricky. Drenton, by law is his master but he never lets him call him that. He considers him more of a son. When the boy is scared he reverts back to his training... He calls him master in hopes of...of I don't even know if curtis is sure. He's so afraid to leave he's clinging to something he hates.
Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :
I like this beginning but think it could be tightened some, especially the dialogue.
quote: Whatever you do, whatever it takes, don’t come back.” His voice started to fail as he tried to keep the tears away. “Whatever you have to do don’t stop, not ‘till you’re safe. Not ‘till you’re free.”
There are too many "whatevers" in the above passage. And the cadence is too pat -- "whatever you do, whatever it takes..." and "not 'till you're safe. Not 'till you're free." To increase the tension, maybe his words would be more disjointed, less rhythmic.
Something like: "Don't come back, Curtis. Ever." His voice started to fail as he held back his tears. "Don't stop...'till you're safe, free. I want you free."
Also, would a young boy realize he's being cruel or would Drenton attribute it to him? It would be easy enough to work in their relationship here: "Drenton flinched. He considered Curtis his son though legally he was the boy's master."
Does Drenton use this master relationship to force the boy away for his own good? If after establishing through interior dialogue how wretched Drenton feels, if he used harsh words to force the boy to leave for his own good, it would wrench a reader's heart -- at least mine.
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
Actually in the next sentence he literally orders him to leave, something he doesn't want to do. I think Drenton has been practicing this speech for a long time, but he wasn't expecting the boy's reaction. Curtis WANTS freedom but he is too frightened of the government and what might happen to actually run. When Drenton figures that out he orders it..... hmmmm Let me try that again...
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
“It isn’t safe for you to stay here Curtis.” Drenton patted the young boy on the back and turned him toward the large doors that looked out onto the snowy expanse outside Triada.
He knelt beside the boy, arm across his shoulder and pointed, “Wait for me there, at the outer boundary. If I don’t come by noon, then run, run away and don’t come back. Don't come back. Not ever.”
The boy bowed his head dejectedly. “You’re sending me away master? Am I not pleasing?” He bowed out of habit, arms crossed, the sign of submission.
Drenton flinched. Curtis was being cruel to rub in the fact that legally the man was his master. “You know better than to call me that. I'm not him.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 27, 2006).]