Isobel and the Elf Knight 13 lines, second try Dark Fantasy, about 5100 words
I’m close to completing the third draft of this story. It is a prose version from a number of ballads of the Gaelic mythos with a similar title. It is nominally set in medieval Scotland. The basic theme is the interaction of a mortal (Isobel) and one of the sluagh sidhe (the Elf Knight). This is a faery tale with a dark side.
All comments are welcome. If anyone would like to critique the full story, please send me an email offline (nwmage at aol dot com).
Thanks!
Rob
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The Elf Knight stood before the altar. Treuntas Cearcall the druids had named this place. Nine graves formed a star around the large, flat stone. Seven daughters had he slain -- two more were needed to call the warrior gods from their eternal slumber.
He could not go from the Greenwood side to fetch them. Always he must wait until they called on him. Frustration would eat at him and then he would howl at the heavens like an animal gone mad. Such passions would ebb quickly, replaced by a gnawing hunger for another noble-born scion.
The cry of a distant horn interrupted his brooding. He cowered at the eerie sound. The Host was calling him. With a snarl and an oath, the Elf Knight walked over to his horse. With a baleful gleam in his eye, he made ready to join the Wild Hunt.
Posted by cll (Member # 3673) on :
To be honest it was a hard read. The language and phrasing is so different from anything I'm used to. Your starting point gives the story an eerie feel but I'm not really drawn to this character or his situation or compelled to find out what happens next. I need to know more of why/what is going on in the situation. It is written quite mystically. Are you sure this is a good starting point?
Posted by MarkJCherry (Member # 3510) on :
I found this much more interesting than the previously posted 13. Honestly, I like it. At any rate though, there is no hook that I can tell. Nothing makes me want to read it other than my interest in these kinds of stories. Right from the beginning you set a dark and brooding mood. The only thing I had trouble with was the name of the place...I only know a minute amount of Gaelic, and nothing of pronunciation(beyond what I know how to say) so...one thing you may want to include is a pronunciation key. This doesn't have to be overly powerful, but a certain author who shall remain nameless included in one of his books a simple 2 or 3 pages on how to pronounce the Portugese used.
Again, no hook...
But that's me, Mark
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What's the cool thing that will make us want to read your story? And who's the story about?
Posted by MarkJCherry (Member # 3510) on :
"...a prose version from a number of ballads of the Gaelic mythos with a similar title. It is nominally set in medieval Scotland. The basic theme is the interaction of a mortal (Isobel) and one of the sluagh sidhe (the Elf Knight). This is a faery tale with a dark side."
If this were included on the back cover, which I always read for an idea of a book, I'd buy it. Not necessarily phrased as such, but with that information presented and the first 13, I'd want to read it.
From what I can tell of the original posted 13 and this new one, the Sidhe and the Mortal wind up either married or engaged, and the Sidhe needs to kill her to fulfill his duty to summon the warrior gods. Now, naturally, I could be way off the mark. But, knowing these two things, and what I said above, would get me to throw down $8 for it.
[edited in to avoid a double post] I would recommend putting the relation between the two in the first 13, or shortly after it.
[This message has been edited by MarkJCherry (edited October 18, 2006).]
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
About halfway through the second paragraph, I started asking "So what?" Repeatedly. I get it, he's grumpy. But you haven't shown me why. In fact, you haven't shown me anything about him at all. I don't feel acquainted with him. I don't have a reason to care.
Also, I have no clue about what's going on due to all the Yoda-speak. Granted, Yoda did speak using what was technically an acceptable archaic grammar, but it's not easy to understand.
I *can* tell that you have a rich story idea here. But it's buried.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 18, 2006).]
Posted by Soulsmith (Member # 4061) on :
The first 13 lines is enough to keep "me" reading. Already I'm told what the Elf Knight's goal is...and in my head I'd figure that being so close to accomplishment, he would act some what edgy. Thought the only thing I'm curious about is what the Elf Knight looks like. (At least what kind of armor he's wearing looks like).