Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Wost Sunday Ever

This is topic The Wost Sunday Ever in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

SF short about a man who wakes up one Sunday morning to find everyone in the world has vanished. 5000 words. Thank you.

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It was not a sudden or sharp sound that summoned me out of slumber, as one might expect, but rather it was the silence. A silence so complete and dead that it was just as tangible as noise; in fact even more so. Silence that moved and crept up the stairs and through the hall, rolled into the bedroom like fog permeating the air. Of course I couldn’t be sure it was fog, I teased myself, as I hadn’t yet opened my eyes. A game; keep the eyes closed, what can I tell with just ears? Maybe the house is filled with fog and that’s why it’s so quiet. I think fog does have a dampening effect on sound, I muse half consciously, it has trouble traveling through the billions of microscopic beads of water, which absorb and soften and take the sparkle and crispy detail out of something as simple as the sound of Melanie dropping a teaspoon on the kitchen counter downstairs.

Posted by Badger (Member # 3490) on :

I liked the first few sentences. Its an interesting idea, the absence of noise can be a very shocking thing. However, for the idea wasn't interesting enough to be sustained as long as it is. The analogy with fog lost me a little; I understand where you're coming from with it but it doesn't really work for me.

This is well written, but I want to know what's going to happen. What has caused the silence? Is the silence actually a physical presence? Who is the narrator? Male or female? Most importantly I want to know very early on why I should care about this person and reaction to the silence.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

I also like the idea of a pure silence being shocking and disconcerting. That's a nice idea to start with.

I think you dwell far too long on defining the silence. It was intriguing at first, but by the end I was bored and my eyes were only skimming the words. I kept hoping you'd move on to some new information, but you didn't. The statement in my head was, "Enough already. I get it. Move on."

quote:
It was not a sudden or sharp sound that summoned me out of slumber, as one might expect, but rather it was the silence.

This is a good first sentence, but the clause order is awkward. The relationship you have created is "summoned me out of slumber, as one might expect" which means that one might expect you to be summoned out of slumber. The relationship you want to create is "not a sudden or sharp sound, as one might expect" which means one might have expected a sudden or sharp sound. A reordering of the phrases would solve this and strengthen the sentence overall:

"What summoned me out of sleep was not a sudden or sharp sound, as one might expect, but rather the silence."

That's a rough example, but you get the idea. It also puts something more interesting up front than "It was not a." Please forgive my taking liberties with your text.

Hope this helps!

[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 20, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I like the idea, but not the beginning, for two reason: he goes on and on about it being quiet (so I'm not hooked), and his flight-of-fancy about quiet being fog makes him seem foppish to me. I want him to get up and do something.

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

Wow, this is great. I needed that. I like to read the shorts over at scifi.com under Datlow's guiding hand. Most are written by very well established writers with many many published novels etc. However, with many of them, I start the first paragraph and get bored and skip to the next story. I am a typical product of todays, tv watching, fastfood eating, give me everything in one store generation. I know Datlow didn't let any weak ones through, but I often don't have the patience to let it "hook" me if the hook is broad and more like a spatula that takes four paragraphs to flip my interest. 40 or 50 years ago we'd have given it 10 pages to decide, but not any more. 13 lines will get 99.9 percent of all submissions a cute, greatly overused, reject note.

I'll fix it and try again.

Thank you

Posted by djh (Member # 3826) on :

Okay, I'm going to play odd man out, and probably show my age. I liked it, all of it. Your MC has a unique voice and that's a pretty important thing to establish if there aren't any other people in the story for him to talk to.

I even loved his musings about the fog in the house dampening the sound. I definately would have read on.

tnwilz, you seem to have a gift for words, but like a musician who plays by ear, you need to learn the notes and play great pieces of music before you compose your own symphonies. So, learn from the above critiques, craft, polish, and please the instant gratification generation(s). We have more than one now, and they buy the bulk of today's books and magazines.

Then one day you can flaunt a few rules and dazzle the world with your artistry.