Hatrack River Writers Workshop: SF story new beginning

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Posted by starsin (Member # 4081) on :

Hi. I’m George Smith. Go ahead, look me up, you won’t find me. Odds are, you probably know that this isn’t a real name. That’s irrelevant. My name matters not. My past does.

I was on the Final Project…the lucky guy who got to watch it all happen. You see, I wasn’t on the Project in that I did research or work for it. No; I’m not that smart. I was the “Official Observer”. What I’m about to tell you has never been heard by the public. The truth about this project must be told, and I’m the last surviving member of the project. Only reason I survived this long was because of a technicality.

Allow me to teach you some History, the real History, not the fake stuff taught today. Too few are old enough to remember the War. It all started over eighty years ago, when Men first met the Na’muh... <contiues onwards>

Is this catching all? or is it still drab and boring and in need of some more work?

Thanks again to everybody for all the help!

starsin

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Ok, that dragged me right in

Only one nit:

quote:
Allow me to teach you some History, the real History, not the fake stuff taught today. Too few are old enough to remember the War. It all started over eighty years ago, when Men first met the Na’muh... <contiues onwards>

I started to distrust the narrator when History came up. History is associated with something boring and uninteresting, and it sort of anticipates an info-dump. How about "let me tell you a story" that grabs!

Hope that helped

Sara

Posted by starsin (Member # 4081) on :

So, you're suggesting I that last paragraph to something like:

"Permit me a moment to tell you my story. There aren't enough people old enough to remember the Wars and how they all ended. This whole thing started over eighty years ago, when Men first encountered the Na'muh..."

Better?

Posted by quantumphotonkid (Member # 4150) on :

That definitely sounds better and more interesting. Only gripe I have is kind of techincal. It's the "There aren't enough people old enough to remember..." mainly because of the double enoughs. I think you could make it work with just "there aren't enough people who remember..." as information that the general population doesn't remember usually implies that it's been a long time.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I'm not sure you need the first paragraph. You got my attention on the second one because in the first one you say that everything you are telling me doesn't matter.

If you changed the first line of the second paragraph to"

"I was on the Final Project… George Smith, the lucky guy who got to watch it all happen."

You've told me everyting I need to know about from the first paragraph.

I would cut the histoty line all together. You don't need it. The next line "Too few . ." is much stronger and pulls me in. If you cut the "extra," IMO, lines now you can tell me what the Na'muh are within the first 13.

Great start. I want to know more.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Contradictory advice *might* mean that everyone sense something's wrong but can't identify it -- or it might mean there's not much to gripe about!

I'm not hooked but I'm not bored. I like paragraph 1 -- the false name thing. I like the idea he's going to tell me a secret. I think I'm not hooked just because you've got a sort of high words-to-content ratio: that is, you can reduce this a lot in length w/o reducing the meaning. As it is, I skimmed, and I lost some of the cool details (like "alive on a technicality").

This gives the same info in fewer words. (I'm not saying it's still the right wording; this is just to show it can be done.)

quote:
Hi. I’m George Smith. Go ahead, look me up, you won’t find me. This isn’t a real name.
I was on the Final Project [note: I want a name that implies what it's for -- wbriggs] …the lucky guy who got to watch it all happen, the “Official Observer”. What I’m about to tell you has never been heard by the public, but the truth must be told, and I’m the last surviving member. I only survived this long because of a technicality.
It started over eighty years ago, when Men first met the Na’muh... <contiues onwards>

Posted by starsin (Member # 4081) on :

So, a quick re-write:

Hi. My name's George Smith. Feel free to look me up, but don't expect to find me. This isn't a real name. It's not my name that's important: it's what I've seen...what I was a part of once.

I was once on the Final Project (named so because it was the Project to end the war -> there you go wbriggs) ... The lucky guy who got watch everything happen. Truth was, I wasn't technically on the Project, I was merely the "Official Observer" - I wasn't smart enough to be a researcher, though I had tried. The only reason I'm alive today was because of that technicality. What you are about to hear the public has hever heard before. The truth behind this Project MUST be heard, and since I'm the last survivor, so I guess that task falls to me.
<continues>

Better re-write? What more can I do to make it better?

Thanks all!

starsin

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 31, 2006).]

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I agreed with wbriggs on pretty much all counts, including liking the first paragraph but thinking it could be shorter.

Also on wanting to know just a hint more about the Final Project, but your proposed solution...

quote:
I was once on the Final Project (named so because it was the Project to end the war -> there you go wbriggs)

...felt stilted to me. Maybe "I was on the Final Project during the war with the Na'muh. I was the lucky guy who got to watch everything happen."

I feel like you can cut the second paragraph more, too. When I critique (here sometimes, for Critters more frequently) I try to show people that they can cut 25-40% of their text and still have a coherent, descriptive story. I use examples in those cases, and I'll give this a shot here, too, if you want (although I'll need 40% more text to do it with). At any rate, I recommend you try to trim this down substantially, which will help you fit in more of the hook.

Regards,
Oliver

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I would offer you an observation, from having been on this board nearly two years... the opener, with someone claiming to know the "real history" that no one else knows, is beginning to feel like a cliche to me. I've seen that opener many times in the past two years. I would challenge you to come up with something different as an opener.

Posted by starsin (Member # 4081) on :

Would you like to see what I've got and offer me some advice on what I could use instead of this "cliche"?

And - How could I make it sound like the narrator is telling the public something that is vital that they know because this knowledge will alter their perception of the government, history, etc. I guess that's what I'm trying to get across...That this guy is the last surviving member of an enormous cover-up that ended the war and that he's telling his story and "opening" the cover of this cover-up and exposing it to the public. Sorry if I'm using a cliche or anything, it's just that I can't figure out any other way to get that across that he's uncovering this cover-up...I'm so confused suddenly.

[This message has been edited by starsin (edited October 31, 2006).]

Posted by Verloren (Member # 3916) on :

I've only been here a short while (so it's not cliche to me yet

), and I definitely like it so far.

The way to "get around" a cliche is to twist it so it is different and unique (hence no longer cliche). I think you start to do that with the alive on a technicality thing. That's part of the hook for me - what is the technicality? How were the others on the project killed?

It does seem cliche in that he's confiding in the reader and he is the only one to be able to do it. WHile it is possible that I have in my hands the book he wrote about it, why do I. Is he sitting in a restaurant telling me his story? Why me? Are we related? Is he seen as crazy or sane? How has he survived this long? Don't other people want him dead if the "truth" is being covered up (sounds like x-files, eh?)?

In short, who is he telling this to and why? That's how you can break away from the cliche (either that or just get sucked in to the cliche of telling whoever is there because they are there and he's going to die, etc.). You need to make it believable about why he is sharing and how. At least, that is what seems missing and awkward to me.

Good luck on figuring out how to do that

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

The way I'd say to make it cooler is to cut it more. (Not detail, but repetition.)

Posted by lascorpia64 (Member # 4179) on :

The order of your sentences is what I feel needs to be rearranged, so it doesn't read so jerky. Otherwise it's pretty good.

I think this should be the first line.

What I’m about to tell you has never been heard by the publicThe truth about this project must be told,

This should be the second:

I was on the Final Project…the lucky guy who got to watch it all happen. You see, I wasn’t on the Project in that I did research or work for it. No; I’m not that smart. I was the “Official Observer”.I’m the last surviving member of the project. Only reason I survived this long was because of a technicality.

The truth about this project must be told, and I’m the last surviving member of the project. Only reason I survived this long was because of a technicality.
Too few are old enough to remember the War. It all started over eighty years ago, when Men first met the Na’muh.

>Odds are, you probably know that this isn’t a real name. That’s irrelevant. My name matters not. My past does..

I think you should drop the irrelevant is because saying it doesn't matter is saying the same thing twice. I'm not crazy about "matters" not either.
try this:

You may call me George Smith. Odds are, you probably know that this isn’t a real name. My name doesn't matter. My past does.

Posted by lascorpia64 (Member # 4179) on :

OH, BOY I ended up with a lot of typos in there trying to cut and paste with a baby on my lap.I will redo it.

The order of your sentences is what I feel needs to be rearranged, so it doesn't read so jerky. Otherwise it's pretty good.

I think this should be the first line.

What I’m about to tell you has never been heard by the public.The truth about this project must be told.

This should be the second:
>
I was on the Final Project…the lucky guy who got to watch it all happen. You see, I wasn’t on the Project in that I did research or work for it. No; I’m not that smart. I was the “Official Observer”.I’m the last surviving member of the project. Only reason I survived this long was because of a technicality.
I’m the last surviving member of the project. Only reason I survived this long was because of a technicality.
>too few are old enough to remember the War. It all started over eighty years ago, when Men first met the Na’muh.

>Odds are, you probably know that this isn’t a real name. That’s irrelevant. My name matters not. My past does..

I think you should drop the irrelevant because saying it doesn't matter is saying the same thing twice.
try this:

You may call me George Smith. Odds are, you probably know that this isn’t a real name. My name doesn't matter. My past does.