Hatrack River Writers Workshop: I need someone to read the first three chapters of my novel

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Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

I am within a month of sending this out in a query and I need some final touchups and what nots before I do my re-write. Any volunteers?

This is Urban Fantasy or Crime / Fantasy. Think a crime syndicate run by Gnomes. Some of you have read part of this a while back but I have redone it several times and tried to make the story more compelling and less shocking. This story would be pg-13 no sex but mild swearing and loads of violence. It is a crime family you know.

This text will still have minor punctuation and spelling typos as I don't correct all that untill my final rewrite. I am looking for feedback opinions on: is this good, does it hook, is it confusing, is it too graphic, would it sell.

JB Skaggs

Posted by Mattsmom49 (Member # 4260) on :

I would be happy to read it for you. I can work with the middle 3 questions (

quote:
does it hook, is it confusing, is it too graphic

) but the first and last I would leave to those better versed in those fields.
alicepat47@comcast.net

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Oh, hey, the Gnomefather story, I remember that.

I'll go for it.

Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

To Matsmom you may not want to actually type your email in the forums as Email Scanners pick email address from posts and then spam you. But thank you both I'll send the three chapters out this evening.

Thanks a bunch.

JB Skaggs

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You can always respell your address as username at domain [dot/period] suffix.

Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

Okay I have rec'd a few responses on my opening chapters. Here is the opening 13 lines: Hack it to pieces.

Each of the apartment hallway light bulbs flickered out as tiny form of Olaf Nisse passed by. He silently snuffed out each light by the power of his mind. The passage way fell as dark as the grave. As a gnome, Olaf preferred the darkness. He liked the reassuring safety of damp stone and the concealment of darkness rather than the vunerability of the brightly lit surface world. Electric lights! Bah! For all the humans’ size and wealth they were too weak, and too dependent on trinkets and gadgets, he thought.

He approached apartment nineteen and examined the door. The door handle loomed out of reach above his head. Olaf could have opened the door the same way he put out the lights, but he did not, as kings do not open doors unless they choose to.

[This message has been edited by JBSkaggs (edited November 19, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Here's my hack:

I was immediately intrigued by what was happening to the lights.

passage way -> passageway

fell as dark -> felt as dark, or became as dark

gnome: when I saw this, I thought, oh, great -- a story with gnomes int he modern world. Which just proves I'm not your target audience!

Electric lights! Bah! -- you could probably strike these words

kings don't open doors: I think I dislike Olaf -- he's prissy. This isn't a problem for me at this point -- I still want to see what's going to happen to him. (I'll want to know PDQ why he's here, but at this point, I was so intrigued by the magic stuff I didn't have time to wonder yet.)

Good job!

Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

Thanks Olaf wasn't prissy in the old work- he was bullish and mean. I agree I don't like him prissy either I am going to change that maybe to something like:

Olaf could have opened the door the same way he snuffed out the lights, but it would be so much better to let Peep open it for him.

Thanks for the comments.

JB Skaggs

Posted by berserc (Member # 4273) on :

wbriggs - I wouldn't change the king line, I liked it a lot. Even if he isn't a king and he's just trying to act kingly its very cool.

> Each of the apartment hallway light bulbs flickered out as tiny form of Olaf Nisse passed by.

This sentence is bothering me. I think light can be implied, and using his last name seems awkward, unless he refers to himself that was a lot. Ending in 'by' is annoying the hell out of me. Here is my suggestion: "Each of the apartment bulbs flickered out as the tiny form of Olaf moved down the hallway." or something to that effect.

However, I love the mixing of humans and gnomes in this way. I like viewing our society through the eyes of another species. And it goes almost without saying that gnomes in modern day is a way cool idea.

I'd read more of this, keep up the good work.