'Danny woke in a room that looked familiar but wasn’t. It was dim, the only light through heavy orange drapes. There were three other beds, all empty except one in the far corner near the window, which had a pale grey curtain pulled around.
It was a hospital. He lay in silence and listened until his ears rang. There were no sounds outside his pulse and breathing, no voices or clanging meal trays. The air was chill and weighty as a fridge.
Fine clear tubing snaked across the sheets. As he watched, a loop began to slide off the bed. He thought it was gravity, but the tubing went taut. Then it snagged the back of his wrist. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Stop that.’ The needle in his hand was hurting. But when he leaned down, there was no-one by the bed.
I'm intrigued and would definitely read on.
Two things;
It was dim, the only light through heavy orange curtains.
Maybe: It was dim, the only light muffled by heavy orange curtains.
Or: It was dim, the only light cast through a split between two heavy orange curtains.
The other thing:
Did you mean chilled?
My suggestion... start somewhere else. Why does he have to be just awakening. Have your opener start with him being suspicious of a medical treatment, or with lunch, or with ANYTHING but waking up.
I have to say I love that line, but I don't know if I would read further. I hate hospitals and I'm not interested in reading a story that starts there. But take it with a grain of salt, because it's just my personal opinion
I've experimented with a variety of openers and what I've discovered are that there are a multitude of ways to show your character's distress without resorting to "he woke up." One of the reasons starting with a waking up scene is frowned upon is because it's dull. Because we don't know the character in the opener, we don't care that they are confused and frustrated. We want ACTION, something to engage our interest and draw us into the story.
In my case, I've rewritten the opener a couple of times, experimenting with the POV of others surrounding her. I'm currently working on yet another revision, one that details an event crucial to the story that I had only previously hinted at. My main character isn't even IN this prologue. Once I released my attachment to the idea that my character waking up was the starting point, I discovered a far better starting place, one with lots of action and tension.
My suggestion is: Save your waking up draft, but experiment with other versions and other POVs for your opener. Then, once you've explored other alternatives, you can make a decision based on choices and what's truly best for your story.
I don't know that you need the first line. You are telling us what the rest of the paragraph does a better job of showing us. Also, you don't have to tell us he's in a hospital, we'll figure it out from the rest of the descriptions.
You might want to pick up with the "He lay in silence and listened until his ears rang."
It's a great line and snagged my attention but right now it's buried in a ho-hum opening.
The "hooks" for me were the line I already pointed out and the tubing moving as if by itself. Show me what's happening from there and kill most of the description.
So, maybe something like:
Danny lay in silence and listened until his ears rang. All he heard was the sound of his pulse, a bit too rapid, and breathing, a bit too shallow. The air was chill and weighty as a fridge. It was dim, the only light muffled by heavy orange curtains
Fine clear tubing snaked across the hospital sheets. As he watched, a loop began to slide off the bed. He reached out to stop its fall when the tubing went taut. Then it snagged the back of his wrist yanking the needle in his vein.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Stop that.’
But when he leaned down, there was no-one by the bed.
***
Now he's not necessarily waking up. He's alone in a hospital room and something weird is happening with his IV.
Just a thought. Good luck.