Novel, 90,000 words, intro starts in the real world... Does it have any pull? (I know it's not word perfect at this stage.)
In the morning Danny's Dad had been alive, bending into a suds bucket washing the old blue car. Danny had come out of the house barefoot, board shorts flapping. The air smelt thin and rank, of cuttlefish and kelp. Bamboo windchimes clattered under the carport. 'Are you ready?' 'Yeah, Dad.' His father threw the sponge into the bucket and wiped his hands. 'Not going to wear shoes?' Danny said, 'We'll be on sand all day.' He wondered later: if he had just worn shoes, would his father still be okay?
Posted by Zoot (Member # 3176) on :
I think there's a hook here; I certainly want to know why Danny's Dad has snuffed it.
The only thing that threw me a little was the 'bending into a suds bucket'. Maybe this could be reworded, I imagined him literally trying to climb into the bucket for a moment. But then I am a little too literal-minded sometimes, so if no one else comments please ignore.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
It works for me.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
It seems a little strange for me that you are starting out in past perfect tense, but I suppose it works OK. You move to past tense after the second sentence.. maybe take a look over your tense selection. Dad wouldn't be capitalized and "smelt" sticks out as a bit archaic. Ditto on the bending over the bucket.
Reads fine otherwise...
Posted by Jenn (Member # 7798) on :
Thanks for the useful comments, all very helpful...
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I don't hate this, but it just doesn't do anything for me.
Posted by Jenn (Member # 7798) on :
If I'm that bored I generally don't post a reply. But thanks...
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'm not exactly bored by it, more puzzled, but in a way that doesn't make me want to solve it, which is odd. I mean, I know that I've liked openings that were overtly similar to this, with some interesting milieu references in the background surrounding a more overt dramatic situation...but this one is different somehow.