“Bruce, you must never mention a word of this to any one every again.” The level of agitation in Dr Krasinski surprised Bruce. Isn’t this the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about to your Psychiatrist, Bruce wandered. “Doc I hear a voice inside my head,” Dr. Krasinski stood and headed for the door, he shook his head like a small child trying not to hear an older sibling. “The worst part is; the voice hears me too.” The doctor glanced back over his shoulder and gave Bruce the look of an owner who has to put an animal to sleep. Before Bruce could speak again he found himself alone. Bruce hadn't decided what to do when the heavy double doors to the office swung open and two large men dressed in white from head to toe filled the opening. From
this my first time ever submitting anything, I am excited to hear any feedback. thanks in advance
[This message has been edited by BruceWayne1 (edited December 21, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 22, 2006).]
Posted by dysfunction (Member # 4588) on :
There's a lot of basic grammatical errors in there, stuff your word processor should probably have caught. "any one every again" should be "anyone ever again". "level of agitation in Dr Krasinski" doesn't make sense. It could be "the level of agitation in Dr. Krasinski's voice", or "Dr. Krasinski's level of agitation". Dr. needs a period. Bruce probably wondered, rather than wandered. Bruce's thinking should probably be italicized; it should at least be a new paragraph. Right now I have no way to really distinguish that he's thinking there. "Doc I hear" should be "Doc, I hear". You need to start a new paragraph when a different person speaks. It isn't clear who's saying "Doc I hear a voice inside my head". From context I can tell it's Bruce, but not only do you not have anything along the lines of "Bruce said", but you mention Dr. Krasinski right afterward without making a new paragraph. If I take that grammar literally, _Dr. Krasinski_ said "Doc I hear...", not Bruce. You say "Bruce hadn't decided what to do" without ever showing the reader that Bruce was even trying to decide what to do in the first place. How did Bruce find himself alone? Did Dr. Krasinski leave the room, then reenter it behind the two large men? Or did he not leave the room at all, and the large men came in, meaning that Bruce never actually was left alone?
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm going to suggest getting the grammar, punctuation, and paragraph structure working before going further. (Some recommend the Chicago Manual of Style, but I'm a fan of Strunk & White's The Elements of style.
I'll just make this suggestion:
quote:“Bruce, you must never mention a word of this to any one every again.” The level of agitation in Dr Krasinski surprised Bruce. Isn’t this the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about to your Psychiatrist, Bruce wandered. “Doc I hear a voice inside my head,”
could be better ordered as
quote: “Doc I hear a voice inside my head,” [Bruce said.]
“Bruce, you must never mention a word of this to any one every again,” [Dr. Krasinski said.]
The level of agitation in Dr Krasinski surprised Bruce. Isn’t this the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about to your Psychiatrist, Bruce wandered.
I think you had it out of chronological order. That was confusing to me.
Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
I don't quite know whats going on, but that he hears a voice, so the beginning doesn't really grab me. Maybe start the story sooner, so the reader can understand the bigger picture, like when he starts hearing the voice.
Also be careful with POV, you jump from the doctor to the patient and it makes things a little too confusing.
Posted by SimonPatterson (Member # 4569) on :
I think once the aforementioned issues are sorted it will flow a lot better. For me, the interesting hook is the two-way discourse with the voice rather than the simple 'hearing voices'. However, this doesn't fully justify the doc overreacting, as I assume at this point he is.
What couldn't he mention to anyone again, if he's going to the 'madhouse', then I can't imagine many things he should restrain himself from. Perhaps talking against a repressive government? Or he's got some dirt on the Doc?
If the MC has done something very bad, then the doc would report it. Unless they were close friends, in which case the MC should call him by his first name to indicate this. Anyway, I'm just speculating, but it got me thinking. Let me know what he's done!
Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :
There isn't enough detail for me to find the situation persuasive. Aside from that, it would seem like you have developed an intense idea for a creative story. I'd keep thinking on it.
Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :
ok trying this reply thing again, by Jove I think I've got it
great
W I orderd the book you suggested
G I am not sure where I jumped POV to the doctor. I have OSC's book "Character and Viewpoint" I'll re-read it but if you could clarify, thanks
[This message has been edited by BruceWayne1 (edited December 22, 2006).]
Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
" “Doc I hear a voice inside my head,” Dr. Krasinski stood and headed for the door, he shook his head like a small child trying not to hear an older sibling. “The worst part is; the voice hears me too.” The doctor glanced back over his shoulder and gave Bruce the look of an owner who has to put an animal to sleep. Before Bruce could speak again he found himself alone."
This is where you jump into the doctors mind, which is minor, but enough to confuse the reader.
"He watched Dr. Krasinski head for the door shaking his head like a small child. “The worst part is; the voice hears me too.” Bruce said. The doctor stoped and glanced back at him with the look of an owner who has to put an animal to sleep. Before Bruce could speak again he found himself alone."
Sorry didn't mean to mess with your writing, but it was the clearest way for me to show you.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited December 22, 2006).]
Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :
great thanks I see it now. you mean I seen the Doctor's thoughts from his POV not Bruces. wonderful. Please feel free to "mess with my writing" anytime that is why I'm here, to learn.
Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :
I've started another string with a new version of this begining.
It's called 'lets try this again'
[This message has been edited by BruceWayne1 (edited December 22, 2006).]