guys/gals I have tried to reply to your posts from the last string but I have not been able to (not sure why). try this version on for size. (by the way I have ordered the book by Strunk and White, thanks.
“Doc I’ve started to have dreams,” [Bruce said.]
“Bruce, you mustn’t ever mention a word of this to any one,” [Dr. Krasinski said.]
The level of agitation in Dr Krasinski’s voice surprised Bruce. (itialics)Isn’t this the kind of thing you are supposed to talk about to your Psychiatrist, Bruce wandered.
“For God’s sake Bruce, be quiet!” [the doctor said.]
Bruce tried again, “I’m having dreams about people I’ve never met, yet I know them.”
Dr. Krasinski stood and headed for his desk, he shook his head ignoring the rest of what Bruce had to say. He pushed an unmarked button on the side of his phone. "Just be calm and everything will be alright," [the doctor told him.]
thanks again for the help all
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 22, 2006).]
Posted by Ash (Member # 4615) on :
Good work sir! I congratulate you! The only criticism I have is on flow, it reads the slightest bit choppy. Rework some wordings, and this should be great.
Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :
This forum has certainly helped, thanks could you tell me more what you mean by "choppy"?
thanks again to all
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
It's a little incoherent. Why does Doc not want Bruce to ever mention to anyone that he's started to have dreams? Everybody has dreams.
Problem seems to be you know what's happening, why Doc thinks this (at least as much as Bruce does), but you haven't told us yet.
If Bruce finds the reaction as strange as I do, he could say, "But I haven't told you what's odd about the dreams yet!" But I don't think that's where you're going -- that is, I don't think this is a story about a psychiatrist who's completely insane.
Presumably you know why Doc doesn't want to talk? Bruce can wonder.
You do have me interested.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited December 24, 2006).]
Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :
No; your right, this is the wrong place to start the story. By now the reader needs to know Dreams are not normal due to government control methods, dreams would be a sign of that control breaking down and therefore very dangerous to the dreamer if the government finds out. I will start the story in a different place. again very helpful advice. It is great to be able to see my ideas from another POV.