Interesting enough to read further, any tune up hints appreciated.
The woman’s grey eyes locked onto John and he froze. He had been standing still beside an old oak tree transfixed on the scene. The man savagely beating her seemed oblivious to anything and John thought he had escaped notice – but when her eyes found him, guilt pierced his frightened mind. The sickening snap of her neck and her desperate pleas for help danced on his nerves. John realized that he had just witnessed the brutal murder of a young woman and he didn’t lift a finger to help. John decided to run, and he stopped only when he reached his apartment door. Breathlessly, John charged through his door and locked it securely. He walked on shaky legs to his favorite chair and flopped onto it. John grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited December 23, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited December 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited December 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 26, 2006).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Narrative summary, lack of defined POV.
Posted by dysfunction (Member # 4588) on :
I agree with Survivor. The narrative is far too matter-of-fact to make me feel any of John's emotional pain/fear or empathize with him at all.
Posted by Ash (Member # 4615) on :
It sounds a bit too much like the plot outline. You can draw it out and put more meat into it, which will make us empathize. In other words, I agree with said statements.
Ash
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Where are they, and why is John there?
This would be fixed by something like
John heard the scream as soon as he parked outside his apartment.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
This revision is better in some ways, but it's very poorly organized. Still, much better.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Thanks guys for your input - editing still, and revising as I go. I want it to be a short story, but I feel it has potential for more. Thanks again!
Posted by Donelle (Member # 4677) on :
I can see you’re toeing the line here trying not to cross over into gore/excessive violence, but the lack of detail makes the scene fall a bit flat. The phrase “savage beating” is so often thrown around in headlines that the eye can just gloss over it. It takes a second to connect the death with the beating. I was thinking something along the lines of:
quote: The man hammered at her with such mindless abandon that he was unlikely aware of anything else, let alone John –
It may not be as succinct, but it spends a bit more time on the actual beating so the reader can absorb it. But that may not work for you or the story. Just my two cents.
Interesting hook though, I’d certainly read on.
Best! -Donelle
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
The story is finished now, and I'm going to let it sit awhile before I read it again. Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.
Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :
I think there is some interesting action going on here, however the use of the suspended POV really doesn't do it for me. I feel that the main ingredient to a story is perspective, and it must be some"one" we can relate to.