This is the first thing I've written since high school but I thought I might as well jump in at the deep end.
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Dergan looked down on the dying man. He regretted, for the first time since leaving the order, breaking his vow of non-violence towards man. He now realised why Brother Odera had begged him to remain at the monastery.
"A demon is pure evil," Brother Odera had told him. "A human always has some good within him, no matter what foul deeds he has committed. That, Brother Dergan is why we must not use our training to harm another human being."
"But the days of demons are gone," Dergan countered. "None have been spotted in any of our lifetimes. But the world, needing balance, has made men into the demon. The evil is within _them_ now. They must be stopped."
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As you can probably tell my grammar is pretty rusty too so any pointers on that would be great. Thanks.
I suggest putting it in chronological order. It might start with where MC decided to start killing. That's more interesting than a philosophical discussion about violence. (Although the hook -- killing demons -- is interesting.)
However, if your story is set in the past, the names may be just fine. Also, if you insist on starting the story with a flashback, I would make the first part (the hook) as detailed as possible without making it overly so. The more senses you can take advantage of in the beginning the more people will be interested.
In that vein, I would also take the time to explain who the man named only as man actually is. Why did Brother Dergan kill him? Is he one of these demons or is there more to it than that?
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited January 03, 2007).]
Also, I'm not sure I agree with not starting with a flashback. Fight Club was made like this and I thought it worked really well. That was the film version though. I'm not sure how the book starts so maybe that sort of thing only works well in films.
There's one thing I'm unclear about. When the MC says that men are now the demons does he mean that literally they are now the demons or that in general they are now more evil and therefore like the demons.
In response to WilliamHenryHarrison on the names, it is set in the past although the names do still sound a little awkward to me. Naming fantasy characters isn't my forte. I just picked these at random, fully intending to change them at a later date.
Thanks for the advice so far.
Be sure to read other peoples first 13 and the comments that follow. I've been recognizing a lot of my own mistakes by reading the comments of the other writers. Its been helping me quite a bit. Im pretty new to the writing game as well.
Scott
You can do all sorts of cool stuff with it, like making him become the "demon" himself, etc., for the sake of killing the "demons" in other men. Have him start off killing people who need to be killed, and then get a bit more liberal in his judgment.
But that's just where I would go with it.