Well, I think I’ve dished out enough, now I’m ready for a helping myself. I have two stories in the works and I've been wondering which to post first. I chose this one because it irks me the most.
Sometimes I look at it and I want to wipe it from the face of my hard-drive. Other times it seems just right. I just want to know once and for all, does it work?
quote:I camouflaged my thoughts to the sounds of an old Miles Davis tune – Blue in Green. Passersby were notes strolling casually across the piano. Rain pattered lightly on the skin of drum. Thick fog gave the Harlem night all the seeming of a smoky jazz club. And Me, I was the trumpet, sharp yet smooth and slightly above it all. My target, big and agile, weaving in and out of the human traffic was the tenor sax.
I followed my target, a class 3A telekinetic up 125th street past the newly renovated Apollo theater. Their talent for mind reading made stalking 3As a major pain in the ass, but to him, I was just a guy with a tune in his head. As long as my thoughts remained veiled in music I could blend into the crowd.
Since I'll be looking for readers soon I won’t say much about the plot except that music features prominently. I really want to know if you’d read on from reading this? Why or why not? Thanks!
Also, what title do you think is better; Deaf Man's Waltz, Waltz of the Deaf or Waltz for the Deaf. I would note that the protagonist is not literally deaf. Is the title then misleading.
P.s. Is there any way to edit topic titles?
[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 08, 2007).]
Well done.
How many words do you have?
The way you spelled "def" is intentional, right? You don't mean Deaf. Intentional or not, I prefer "Def."
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited January 08, 2007).]
quote:
P.s. Is there any way to edit topic titles?
I have to do it, Donelle.
So that’s one vote for Deaf Man’s Waltz. That was actually the first title I thought of.
Thanks Trailmix! So far I have some 3,000 odd words of disjointed scenes and scattered dialogue. When it’s all said and done it should come to about 6,500 - 7,500 words. And I agree Survivor, the story would be quite impenetrable if I kept this up, but I assure potential readers that the protagonist’s thoughts are not camouflaged throughout the entire story! Only for one or two short action sequences. The opening scene leads into a flashback of how it all started and thereafter into the resolution of the main conflict. I’ll repost when I’ve finished the rough draft, probably in a week or two.
Best!
-Donelle
[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 08, 2007).]
However I think Survivor found the Achilles heal. You can't mask your thoughts if you're narrating them.
I'd read on anyway.
Def man's waltz rolls off the mental tongue better for me.
you tell us a lot about the MC with the line about following a telepath is a pain in the ass. I was hooked on the concept of being able to follow a telepath without him/her knowing it, and you tell me that to the MC it is nothing more than a pain in the ass.
nicely done. let me know when you need readers.
Anyway, past tense needs a reason for the narrator to tell the story to the (fictional) audience.