Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Shield Mage WIP 13

This is topic Shield Mage WIP 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by RillSoji (Member # 1920) on :

Shield Mage is my working title. Here's my first 13. ^_^ (I hope it's 13, my monitor is widescreen so things look different to me.)

“They are coming.”

Nathan looked up at his father, his eyes wide. He wanted to ask who was coming but the tone of his father’s voice told him he’d best not ask. His mother gripped his shoulder tightly and whispered to him.

“Nathan, go to the shed and hide behind the woodpile. Do not come out until I tell you to. Okay? No matter what?”

Nathan swallowed and hugged his mother tightly. He looked up at this father who ruffled his hair then gently pushed him toward the kitchen door. Both parents watched until he was out of sight.

”James what will we do?”

James didn’t answer right away. He looked down at where Nathan had been playing.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

POV. I'd usually leave it at that, but I will say that this shows potential to become an interesting scene.

Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :

The prose is clear and at the end I was ready to keep reading.

As someone already mentioned, you switch from the boy's point-of-view at the beginning of the scene to someone else's after the boy leaves.

Another nice thing you could do is give the reader a little more info on the "they", even just a name or something in the first lines. The characters reacted to their pending arrival in a dramatic way, and waiting too long to let the reader in on what the characters know about them could seem manipulative, even if it is not your intent.

Posted by RillSoji (Member # 1920) on :

About two paragraphs further you find out who 'they' are. Knowing that, do you still think it would be better to say who they are earlier or leave it at that?

Thank you for your responses. I didn't notice the POV switch before. >.<

Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :

Ultimately, that is a creative choice you have to make. A couple more paragraphs to wait might not be too bad, but is it necessary to hold the information back?

I'm not talking about a long expository rundown either, just something to let the reader see the "they" in a similar fashion to the characters. For all we know the parents are old fashioned/over-protective and the Swedish Bikini Team is ready to overrun the property and they don't want the boy to see the brazen gals bouncing around.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

It's a nice start. Other than the POV issue, which has already been pointed out, and a small bit of withholding, it is clear.

I want to know NOW who "They" are. Nathan's father can say, "The evil monkey robots are coming." If I know who is coming I can connect to the characters better and want to read more. It's not "hook"y enough for me without knowing who is coming.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I don't know that it is so much that you have to "name" the "they" here. But...I find it hard to believe that there isn't more reaction from someone to underscore and maybe hint about the "they."

Like, the wife asks, do they have guns?
They are coming.
Do they have _____? or -- How many this time? Or Arch enemy must have sent them.

Some slight hint might work. Work better than what you have now.