Kali emerged from the airplane wilted and skinny from all the flesh she'd had to leave behind. This culture could never accommodate the goddess of Death in all her splendour so she'd toned it down, trimming herself almost to invisibility, disposing of the necklace of severed hands and keeping her bloodied tongue firmly inside her cheek. She was a bone-bag when she steeped onto terminal 1 of Charles-de-Gaule airport, and she couldn't have lifted her immigrant's suitcase without supernatural powers. She felt reassured by the bag, happy that it hadn't been lost in the flight. She wasn't Mary Poppin's, her powers took space and there were things she needed in that suitcase. The minds around her hummed with denial of death and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 20, 2007).]
Posted by Donelle (Member # 4677) on :
I'm hooked. I actually want to know what death is doing in an airport. And a little curious as to how she got past airport screeners. I'm pretty sure death is on the no-fly list.
good hook!
Cheers! -Donelle
Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :
I was thrown by the combination of her needing supernatural strength to lift the suitcase and her worrying about it getting lost. Sounds like nobody can lift it but her, so how would it get lost as long as she remembered where she last put it?
After I thought about it for a minute, maybe she was posing as an emaciated immigrant, a victim of famine or the like? So it took super human strength for her to lift it while inhabiting that particular form? Or was she superhuman in size and had to shrink in size to pose as a normal sized human?
I'd keep reading, but would keenly hope to get all that straightened out in my head by the contents of the next paragraph or two.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm hooked to. Some minor things trhew me:
bloodied tongue firmly inside her cheek: this recounts the metaphor "tongue in cheek," meaning "not serious." If you mean it literally, you might try "keeping it hidden" or some such.
She was a bone-bag: this is a supernatural story, so when I read this I thought she had turned into a literal bag containing bones.
Gaule->Gaulle ? Poppin's -> Poppins Poppins sentence is comma splice Poppins sentence doesn't seem necessary to me
I'd definitely keep reading.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I think it's supposed to be funny. Maybe having Kali making a Mary Poppins reference is a bit too much, though.
The concept seems interesting, but so far I'm not seeing much else to draw me in. And while I'm always hungry for stories exploring the lighter side of being a death god, there are quite a few good ones out there that I'm already neglecting. This one doesn't quite compete.
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
I really liked the first paragraph. The desciptions are fascinating, 'all the flesh she'd had to leave behind' is intriguing, as is 'disposing of the necklace of severed hands'.
I was confused by the 'bloodied tongue' and 'bone-bag'. I'm not quite sure what it is supposed to mean. I don't like the Mary Poppins reference, I'd replace it with something else more contemporary or clear. It's been a while since I've seen the movie. I get the fact that death needs things in the suitcase, and I'd be be interested to see what is in there. I'd just find a different reference than Mary Poppins, perhaps, 'she wasn't your typical, run of the mill deity,'. I don't know, I'm knew at this, so that's just my take on it.
Good start though, Matt
Posted by Ash (Member # 4615) on :
Rather pleasant I would say. Lighthearted as death can really get. I have always loved black humor and would certainly keep reading. perhaps I imagined it, but your Kali seems a little bit cynical and sarcastic, which intrigues me.
I do agree though, that Mary Poppins wasn't really needed, unless it is used in dialogue, then it would be nice. We know the author can be a smart alec, I mean, Kali Hindu goddess of death hopping off a plane in De Gaulle airport, come on; but one of the characters might catch us off guard.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
quote:We know the author can be a smart alec, I mean, Kali Hindu goddess of death hopping off a plane in De Gaulle airport, come on; but one of the characters might catch us off guard.
He he he, join the club, my Mom gives out t-shirts
Posted by xverion (Member # 4908) on :
Good beginning, really drew me in wanting to read more. My critiques are minor as well, like the others:
Poppin's - Poppins and the comma splice at She wasn't Mary Poppin's, her powers took space and there were things she needed in that suitcase.