Tell me what you think! I don't usually write gory monster stories, but what the heck, this was fun. It's a rewrite from a story that was already critiqued here, but I believe I've changed the tone completely, made the story "lighter" in general and focused more on the character than on the backdrop.
Purr threw herself on the dirty cot in the Hospital tent and damned the war. She looked around to make sure nobody was listening and slammed the drapes around her bed. The noise from the rusted curtain rings made her cringe. Damn the Farong, and the Human leaders too! she thought. Her people should have left the valley when the Farong claimed it. Everyone knew the Farong were stronger than humans, it was common sense to pick up their things and leave! But no, the men had spoken about honor, courage, and putting up a fight. They'd thrown themselves at the Farong like a pack of berserker wolves, and the Farong had naturally risen to the occasion, as everyone knew they were going to do.
Posted by JasonVaughn (Member # 4358) on :
I liked it. I'm intrigued. The only criticism I've got is that you used the word Farong alot. At one point it's used twice in one sentence. I'd definately try to cut down on that but otherwise I think it's a great idea with a good hook.
Jason
Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :
I liked it to just one very small nit that I'm not sure needs to be changed but it caught my eye. Can you slam a curtain? sounds a bit odd, but it does paint a picture of someone trying in vain the slam something that can't be slammed. again not saying to change it just letting you know it caught my eye. If it weren't on a crit site I prob would have just read it and said 'interestng' and read on. it is good I would read more
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It's somewhat interesting...but the set-up doesn't seem plausible to me. I think it's more an issue of tone and terminology than anything else, though.
For one thing, having a Hospital tent (with dirty cots, no less) for a defensive action seems a bit strange. Why wouldn't they be using their existing structures? Perhaps the local inn has been hastily pressed into service, or even a few converted barns. If these people are nomadic, then you should make the tent seem like the product of a nomadic culture...unless it is a product of a previous, higher culture, which would need a different indication.
When you first mention the Farong, go ahead and add a descriptor that indicates that they are non-human. Refer to "her own clan/tribal/whatever leaders" first, so that we clearly understand that Purr is one of their kind (unless she isn't, "Purr" does seem like an odd name, eh?). When you make the comparison between Farong and humans, that's plenty to establish that the Farong are not human.
Opening-wise, I think that this works better if we have a specific, current focus for her emotional reaction. Say a guy all clawed up in the fighting just died. That gives her a motive for her outburst and serves as a focus to put the expositional material in perspective, it relates everything directly to her current situation.
Just trying to make you all wonder what I said originally
[This message has been edited by Survivor (edited January 27, 2007).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
It took me a coupla days to realize what didn't grab me about this. It's that she's angry and slamming things. I'd relate to being afraid; or to covering fear with anger. But I don't understand just being angry, about something so big and so dangerous as war.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
I'm so glad you are working on this story, I really liked it. Okay, putting the old version aside.
Maybe show me the scene before Purr enters the tent. Presumably the war has been going on for a while, so what has upset her today? Did she just lose another patient? If we can see that, or at least some inner dialog about what IT was, than the anger makes sense.
quote: Damn the Farong, and the Human leaders too!
While I know that she's human and what the Farong are from the other story, I suspect this would be confusion to most people. Would she really call them Farong twice or would she use derogatory slang (related to physical appearance) - ie. everyone knew those lizard breaths were stronger?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Ah. Scalies, eh? "Scaly" works as a descriptor as well as being a good perjorative.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
It feels like telling not showing... I don't FEEL the anger. I'm not really engaged yet. Telling me she's mad isn't the same thing as telling me: She yanked the curtains closed and threw herself on the bed. Her stomach was wrenched in knots, her breathing fast and furious. "Damn these Furballs," she thought, fighting back tears.
Or something to that effect. Show me the impact and effect on HER due to the anger. I would like to see you bring me, the reader, inside her head. Once I'm in the emotion of the MC you can expend a few sentences dribbling the info-dump to me.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I generally like your stuff, Sara, but this one didn't do it for me. Maybe it felt too much like angst, and not enough like a movement toward something?
Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :
Unnatural Summary. In other words, it seems like you're forcing the information at the cost of natural language and thinking patterns, which ultimately undermines the credibility of your story. Perhaps a slower and more gradual approach to revealing your world is in order. Maybe you should focus on the injury (assuming the POV is injured) and work your way from there.
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
You know that I have to read it again. Please send it to me.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Thayerds: I'll send it to you if you insist but this new version is light-years away from the first. It's more SF than fantasy now, so you can imagine that it's quite different. It's also gone a little horror-gore-green-monsters which isn't what I usually write but what the heck, variation is good. It has more story to it, which is good, but it's not as strong in evocative language. So, anyway, if you still want to read it... 4100 words
Survivor: yes, I'm totally going to use "scalies"
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited January 27, 2007).]
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
Hope this makes sence: If you can live with the possibility that I might not like it, I can live with the idea that it may have changed into something I don't like. Anyway, I'm the one who is always wishing for more Science Fiction around here.
Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :
Thanks