Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Ink

This is topic Ink in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

This is a WIP, not a completed story, so feel free to ignore it, but I want to stop thinking about the first page of the manuscript. I figure that putting it up for scrutiny may be one way to turn off the annoying second-guesser in the back of my head. Here's the first 13, and all comments are welcome.

I hope to have the rest completed and edited in a few weeks, and will post then for critiques on the full story.

------
Terry Gilbert slammed his book shut. Can't focus. He was too damned hungry to handle The Iliad; all he had eaten that day was a two-dollar pack of carrots. It was Friday night, and direct deposit wouldn't hit until Monday.

He smacked the book down and looked around the Seven Hands Tattoo Parlor. Frank, proprietor and chief artist, held a driver's license high in his well-inked left arm. He was tall and bald, with bushy grey eyebrows and a hooked nose, and he was glaring at a teen who bristled with piercings. "Push me," he said. "I got no reason not to call the cops."

The teen stormed past Terry and out the door. "Buncha freaks out tonight," Terry said.

"Yep," Frank said. "Take a look at this guy."
-----

If anyone's interested, this story is based on the start given by TMan1969 in this post, although it's SF instead of fantasy and has nothing to do with the story that's partly unfolded in that thread. Just goes to show what the right prompt can do for you at the right time.

Thanks,
Oliver

Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :

I like the first Paragraph. the part about the direct deposit was good, it told me a lot in a short space. I also liked the idea (smacks my prejudices) of the guy in the tatoo parlor reading the Iliad.

"Yep," Frank said. "Take a look at this guy." I heard "Yup" in my head when I read it. never really heard someone say "Yep".

Nothing exarordinary happens here to keep me reading, I would keep reading I have no idea about a editor, I'll let others help there.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Play by play:

$2 pack of carrots: that's a big meal! Not an enjoyable one, though, I'd expect.

Next paragraph, I don't get what's happening. What is MC's relationship to the parlor and to Frank? Why is he holding up a driver's license? Why's he saying "push me" -- what did the teenager do?

Whose license is it? If it's the teenager's, why didn't he take it with him?

I like the quirkiness of the financial difficulty. My guess is starting with the teenager isn't the right place -- he's gone, so he's *probably* not important to the story -- but I'm not sure since I didn't understand the interaction.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 04, 2007).]

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

I get that the teen is underage and it's probably not his ID (meaning the proprietor could be sued or loose his license if he works on him). What I don't get is the protagonist's relationship to the tatoo parlor. Is he a customer, or a tatoo artist?

I also love the choice of reading material.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

Nothing wrong with the paragraph. My only nit is that you don't introduce the SF element right away, but if you do it in the first page, I think you're fine.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

Ditto wbri... oh, wait.

Thanks to all critters. This definitely helped get the opening off my mind, and it fixed something that was broken, too.

I'm not sure if anyone cares, but we're all about sharing information here, right? So here's my analysis of the intro and the critiques.

Here were my goals in the introduction:

Establish Terry's POV.
Characterize Terry as not the stereotypical tattooed man.
Characterize Frank as tough, no-nonsense, but also non-criminal.
Introduce (or promise the introduction of) one of the "freaks who are out tonight" (which should have been the hook)
Let the reader know that Terry's broke.

Now I realize I need to add another: identify Terry's relationship to the tattoo parlor and / or Frank.

Note there's no teen in that list -- I was trying to characterize Frank through him, and give the reader someone else that Terry can look at, which helps characterize Terry. Priscillabgoo got the intent right, but why risk confusing people needlessly? Yeah, he can go, as long as I'm willing to be more straightforward.

Also, if the freak is the hook, I should get him into the first scene. "Nothing extraordinary happens here" is true right now -- the extraordinary is only hinted at.

And wbriggs, I almost laughed when you commented on how big the meal was. I somehow dropped the words "the remnant of" for that bag of carrots.

Regarding Sara's comment, who thinks I should have the SF element right away? It doesn't really come out until at least a third of the way through the story -- part of the MC's problem is finding out what's making things happen the way they are. (I won't give the spoiler just yet, in case anyone reads the final version -- then you can tell me if the discovery was done well.)

Thanks again, everyone!

Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :

Introduce (or promise the introduction of) one of the "freaks who are out tonight" (which should have been the hook)

Freaks was just an expression (or so I took it) people talk like that about anyone who is not like themselves. but those kind of people are all freaks so we don't listen to them.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

If it's in an SF mag, I'll trust that the SF will show up eventually. I'm not sure if I'm typical in that.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I can wait on the Sci Fi to sneak in. I liked it and might read on but I think starting with the last line first or at least closer to the top would help with the hook.

I don't need you to tell me "Can't focus" his action - slamming the book and looking around the shop shows me it.

Ex - using your words . . .

Terry Gilbert slammed his book shut. He was too damned hungry to handle The Iliad; all he had eaten that day a two-dollar pack of carrots. It was Friday night, and direct deposit wouldn't hit until Monday. He smacked the book down and looked around the Seven Hands Tattoo Parlor.

"Buncha freaks out tonight," Terry said.

****

What I know now - Terry is broke, well educated or at least in the process of becoming well educated, and sitting in a tattoo parlor commenting on "freaks." You have my interest.

Other than the charaterization of Frank, which should start with his response, those 5 sentances (approx. 6 lines) accomplish most of your goals. Now you can naturally show me Frank and Terry's relationship with him through the "freak" discussion and what happens next.

Now use the other 7 lines to draw me further in.

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

I think king_falcon's suggestion is a good one. She's made the opening more concise and brought your intended thread to the fore. It also leaves you a lot of room to work with.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

Thanks for the additional comments, folks. Very helpful.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

I didn't get that Terry was very tatooed. (Oliver, from your declaration of intentions that was one of the things you want to establish) I suppose if he works there, he'll have a tatoo, but not necessarily too many of them. Is this important?
BTW: is this SF or fantasy? If it's SF, it's not set in the future, right? If it _is_ set in the future you need to make that clear otherwise. If not, you want to drop very explicit hints that sf will happen in the end or risk the editor stop reading half-way through (or send only to editors who trust you at least to know your genre)

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

Sara, you don't have to know yet that he's tattooed right away, but (a) it shouldn't be surprising that he is from the first 13, and I think from context that will work, and (b) when you discover that he's got a lot of tattoos, you won't think of him as some brainless carnival freak.

It's near-future SF. The "freak" who's about to walk through the door is a clean-cut tall blond man with no tattoos. ("Freak" is in part situational.) Terry starts off thinking that the freak has infected him with a nerve agent, but it turns out that he was injected with nanobots designed to... well, anyway, he doesn't discover right away that they're bots, but they are, and that's the SF aspect of it. The story wouldn't work if they weren't engineered (although technically they could be biological rather than mechanical).

Maybe I should have a very, very brief cover letter that says, "the SF aspect of this near-future story isn't explicit until 3000 words..." or something like that.

I'll finish it before I worry about that part, though. Still not done, taking me longer than I want.