The "story" is "done". Currently, going back and revising. However, this opening is quite different than anything I've done. The story is in 3PL, but the first paragraph is 3PO. Too it opens in an almost presentational manner, rather than representional.
-------------------------------- The clashes with the halfplanes were bizarre enough, but even during a lull, the strangeness tiptoed in. Take Ham’s new partner, for instance, with one hand clutching the wheel and the other fiddling with the rearview mirror six times a minute. Or Ham, who tried to ignore the mirrors altogether, while fighting a bout of vertigo. Something had happened to them. Something neither wanted to think about. In a way, it’s funny how two people could react to same transformation, so alike and yet so opposite.
Ham knew the oddness had him again, that woozy fog, those silvery splotches across his memory. He cycled through all the tricks to battle it, straightening his back, forcing his spine to hover an inch from the passenger seat.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Are they in another plane, or a ground-based vehicle? Are they gunners, pilots? Are they seeking out halfplanes, or being attacked by them? Why are the clashes bizarre, and what's the strangeness that tiptoed in? I just can't picture what's happening, and don't know its significance.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
I'm not sure what's happening. I get glimmers of images but then the focus shifts before they really gel.
What is the lull between?
What is the strangeness?
What happened to them?
What transformation?
What oddness?
How does Ham know the oddness had him?
I'm just lost.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I don't think that the first paragraph really needs to be in omniscient...I wouldn't even have pegged it as omni if you hadn't said it was. After all, you refer to Ham by name and the other character is idenfied only by his relationship to Ham.
I think it's interesting enough to justify reading further.
Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :
I kinda liked it, though it could be more clear. Mostly I'd like to read more, or even the whole thing. E-mail it and I will give you a crit.