You cannot know the cold darkness in which I dwell. Cold as winter’s white cloak, as black as night. I do not love or hate. I do not weep or laugh. I do not extend mercy or cruelty. I walk on a thin line between good and evil. A slender cord, a pierless bridge. One without walls or rails, support or foundation; simply the meeting point between two opposing forces. The point of annihilation. Half of me is eaten, the other consumed—yet I live, if what I have is indeed life. I exist, aware of nothing but myself and the dichotomy which suspends me. And yet, there is a memory, which is a part of myself. A memory of my soul, which is not. Vampires do not have souls.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I would cut almost all of this except the very last bit (which could be rephrased a little).
quote:Vampires do not have souls. But I remember when I had one.
Lose all the emo stuff, it's way overdone for vampires already. More to the point, it prevents us from crediting the narrator as being reliable rather than a drama queen. And all the pathos and contradiction is contained in the memory of a lost soul. For emo, it wasn't badly written, but I don't like emo. Others may disagree.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I completely agree. The last little bit grabs me. The rest just confused me -- I couldn't figure what the narrator was talking about.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I like some of the semi-paradoxical imagery -- white cloak / black as night, eaten / consumed -- but I think you spend too long getting to where you're going. Vampires aren't an unusual subject for a story, so I think you can set a tone in fewer words, and then possibly set us up for what's special about _your_ vampire and the plot you're leading into.
P.S. Between the moment I started replying and the moment I hit send, Survivor and WBriggs already responded, and I agree with them. Whether you want to cut everything or not is up to you -- setting the mood is important, too -- but there are probably a lot of more important things to get across in order to capture the reader's attention.
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited February 07, 2007).]
Posted by kmckendry (Member # 4936) on :
I have to agree with Survivor. I started reading your passage and skipped down to the replies before reading the whole thing. I stopped around "The point of . . "
I think it was just too much upfront. I'd keep the ideas and potentially use them as the story progresses.
Keith
[This message has been edited by kmckendry (edited February 07, 2007).]
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
I like most of it, just condense and get to the vampire stuff quicker. But I do like the contradictions and descriptions. The prose flows for me.