Want to see if this hooks the reader, and if anyone would be willing to read the whole short story, which is roughly 1600 words.
John stood in his room, listening to the yelling down the hallway. The yells began to echo louder and louder and in his mind they feed the shadows till only darkness existed. A darkness his eyes strained to see through, but not a sliver of light could be seen. He could only feel what felt like hard wet rock along a wall and listen to sounds of scraping and ripping, of what sounded like flesh and reeked of blood, making him huddle against the wall. His body began to tremble and cold tears rolled down his face.
End, please end, take me away he prayed. Time slowed and a light shined around the silhouette of a lady. Her body slim and tall with long hair that flowed in all directions. “Where do you go inside that head of yours?” A voice spoke. The light faded and his mom stood in his room.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited February 08, 2007).]
Posted by kmckendry (Member # 4936) on :
I'm hooked. Send me the rest. It may take a few days for me to get to it, but I will review and critique.
Let me know if I need to do something more to get the copy.
Keith
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
The first paragraph confused me. I didn't know if it was a hall in a house or a dungeon, or how yells can feed shadows. I would like the description to be crystal clear, even if John doesn't know where he is (and you can say that, too).
Cold tears? Why cold?
The 2nd-3rd paragraphs were hilarious. This is good stuff.
I do want to point out that the surprise you just pulled won't work again and again -- but it worked here, great.
Posted by BruceWayne1 (Member # 4604) on :
If you want readers I would be happy to give you my newbee opinion. another set of eyes might not hurt. send it over.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
You don't succeed in making it clear that John is in a mundane situation and then falls into an altered mental state of some kind. I was unable to parse any meaningful information out of the sequence, other than that the POV found it unpleasant.
Posted by bro-k (Member # 4947) on :
I'm willing to read as a newbie. I do have to agree with some of the replies it took a couple reads for me to catch that he is in a basic life setting, though I suppose with a little rewording it would come to the reads realization faster. Of course if the next line realy makes it clear than it should be fine. I am hooked though so you got the job done there. Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
Thanks for all the comments, and I'll try to send the story out today.
I changed the beginning just a bit to make it clearer, hopefully now the reader won't be too confused.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
There still isn't anything to indicate that "his room" is a mundane setting.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
I think I know what's been bothering me about this one. You start with the life fantastic and THEN yank us into the ordinary. IMHO, it might work better if you do it the other way.
Show us the "normal" world in the first 5-10 lines, then yank us into the "fantasy" world as the hook.
Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :
I usually don’t have much time to read any more but send me a copy. It has cough my interest and I would like to see where it leads. Rommel Wolf II
