Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 - Let the Circle be Unbroken

This is topic First 13 - Let the Circle be Unbroken in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002480

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

This is a revision of something I posted earlier. any thoughts?

People are always prickly around me. Those who are aware of my ability are always terrified of what I might see, and anyone who has experienced the fathomless nature of my gaze willfully avoids me. I have come to prefer dreams over people or things. Unlike the brief flashes of clarity and omniscience that come from the touch of a hand or the grasp of an object, dreams allow me to fall into some distant realm. I actually get to glimpse the world as it was when the events I’m investigating actually began to unfold and see what occurred “firsthand”. Time shifts and history rolls itself back to make room in a constantly changing landscape….

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

I like this line: "I have come to prefer dreams over people or things." IMO, you should use it for the opener.

Sometimes, I thought there was some redundancy that could be trimmed. For instance, touch of the hand and grasp of an object. Logically, if a touch triggers the ability, so would the grasp.

I think I would rather see people being prickly toward the narrator and inferring it from a scene, rather than told about it. Likewise, some for the character's ability could be shown as its used, rather than explained up front.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

It's vague (what is it that MC might see?), and it's not clear that this summary is building to a specific scene (a time, place, and set of actions). I would prefer

People are always prickly around me. Take Janice. We were at the car wash, and all I said was ...

People are always prickly around me. Those who are aware of my ability TO READ THEIR MINDS are always terrified of what I might see. Jim-Bob won't even talk to me any more, not since I did a cold reading on him and told him I knew about the cross-dressing.

So I sleep in a lot. This morning I had a dream...

The point is, the enjoyment of the story is in the scenes, mostly. Summary is useful because it helps us understand the scenes.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

You know, I think ChrisOwens is right about the opening line.

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

ChrisOwens, Thank you! You gave me the answer to something I've been struggling with for almost 1 1/2 months. I've been trying to figure out how to start this story. I didn't see it until you pointed it out.

I really appreciate your feedback, wbriggs. It would be quite useful for everything else I've written. For this specific story I've chosen to use journals, notes, etc... There is a narrator and two other key protagonists who don't interact until the very end.

While there is dialogue, most of this story is exposition. I realize this makes it a lot less commercial, but I think it's really helped me with character development.

Anyway, thanks again

[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited February 09, 2007).]