short story about 6,000 words. I'm trying to cut it down at least by a thousand to tighten it up, so it's not ready for readers yet. But, would anybody read on from this opening?

When he smelled the scent of his own kind on the breeze, Cam didn’t turn his head to glance back. He didn’t stop to consider whom he smelled or how many they might be. No need. Whoever was out prowling the nearby grain fields for lost tools or adjusting the irrigation gates would kill him on sight.

He gripped the smooth round shaft of his spear tighter and, after a moment’s hesitation, plunged both feet through the scummy surface of the bayou he had been following. He grimaced at the slimy feel of last year’s leaves covering the bottom. Rocks poked the soles of feet so callused from going barefoot that he couldn’t extrude the claw in the little toe on his left foot. His other toeclaws were sharp only where they had broken. Another sign of how far he had fallen.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 08, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 08, 2007).]
 

I'm not saying that mine are better. I'm simply saying that when I read it I found the sentences very full. It made it harder for me to grasp what was going on...which seemed to be not much.

"Rocks poked the soles of feet so callused from going barefoot that he couldn’t extrude the claw in the little toe on his left foot"
It does evoke an image but is a very complicated sentence and I am more interested at this stage as to what he's doing.

Is he going towards a goal, running from pursuit? Or simply going from A to B? Until I know what he's doing I can't feel any tension.
As it is I'd be unlikely to read on. But I do like the idea of a intelligent being that has animilistic features such as claws. I'm sure if you changed the beginning to get the reader more involved you will be able to get me hooked.
 

From the first sentence it's clear that he's not ordinary, and that he's not just a strange human: he has "his own kind", so he's not unique; no human I know would be able to "smell the scent of his own kind"; and no human I know would think of humans as "his own kind". I thought this characterization was very well done, clear without bashing me over the head with "THE SAPIENT CREATURE HAD A DOG-LIKE SENSE OF SMELL."

Nice use of short and long sentences. It might help to slightly restructure some of the longer sentences to achieve better clarity, as Max pointed out.

I'll disagree with Max on one point: I liked "smooth round shaft of his spear". The first paragraph dealt with smell (less strong of a sense, no pun intended) and abstractions, and the "smooth round shaft of his spear" transitioned me nicely to the sense of touch, to which the second paragraph is almost exclusively dedicated. (I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it works for me.) I also think this is a good example of the sound of the words working well: the phrase itself uses smooth "round" sounds, and has three heavy beats (any poets remember the right word? Foot?) that require a slightly slower pace, so it evokes a little of the hesitation Cam feels. A clipped phrase wouldn't work as well there. Call me crazy and overly analytical if you like, but that's what I get out of it.

Regards,
Oliver

Edited for clarity. I hope.

[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited February 26, 2007).]
 

There's a comment about "Whoever is out there". Don't we know who is out there? It's his own kind.

The sentences are pretty heavy. Detail is good, too much detail and I'm spending all my time on imagination and none on actually figuring out what is going on.

I'd like more focus on "his own kind". Who is he, who is his kind? And why would they kill him?

Matt
 

It's around 5400 words.

Any takers?

arriki