Fantasy, Not Nearly Enough Words! I just copied my first 13 lines to this post an already i am not liking it, but it could be a mild case of cowardice so I will contiune. Please forgive my grammer. (But by all means correct it)
Braejack hit the ground hard, again. He tried to roll through and get back to his feet, but he was to slow. His felt the blow coming and knew he couldn't dodge it. He summon his power and bound the wind to his body and forced himself up. Taking all of his concentration, he let the wind move his body as he moved himself with it. It almost worked, he was halfway to his feet when a pillar of earth slammed into him. Flipping through the air he managed to regain his balance an land of his feet, but the momentum moved him backwards in an ungraceful series of somersaults. “Thats not playing fair”, Braejack moaned. Slowly getting to his feet out side the circle of rope. “You used all your full strength even though you only allowed me the smallest amount.” “Well to bad”, the old man growled...
[This message has been edited by W. G. Tryndale (edited February 27, 2007).]
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
a) Rambly b) The bad grammar is distressing. (Tense issues: He summon his power, adverb issues: but he was to slow, comma issues “Thats not playing fair”, non-existent sentences issue, Slowly getting to his feet out side the circle of rope.)
Keep at it!
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I'd like to know what's going on. I can't tell from these lines, though. I need more info for this to hook me. And your structure is a bit off. Let dialogue have its own paragraph. And "but he was to slow" should be too slow.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Ditto that.
Posted by W. G. Tryndale (Member # 2979) on :
Instructive, Thanks
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Who is Braejack talking to?
Why is he fighting? Sport? Combat? Training?
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
The errors in grammar and spelling are too much for me to give any sort of critique. You have to get the basics right before anything else. If you're using Word to type this you should have an automatic spell and grammar check. This is like listening to the auditions for American Idol. You have to be able to sing to get on the show. For you, you have to get the basics of writing correct before asking for feedback.
Matt
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
Aside from the grammar, I had a few thoughts on this.
It appears to be a sport, practice or game. I'm guessing practice. I try to avoid surprising readers in certain ways, such as making something seem serious when it isn't. If it is practice, let the reader know early and let the reader know how the PoV character feels about how things are going. The other person is cheating? Let the reader know how the PoV feels about that.
I think the reader is looking for at least a hint of a character they can identify with. We can't identify with using the Wind to get up or being hit by earth, and so froth. (That part could be interesting when cleaned up, though.)