Death didn’t bother him half as much as the ridiculous terry cloth slipper socks dangling on his feet and the awful backless hospital gown he still wore. The operation had not gone well. Lord knows they tried; epinephrine, heart massages, and finally defibrillation paddles. In the corner, a thin flat line divided the dark screen of the heart monitor that would not stop its high-pitched wail. The green-clad OR team stood back from the body on the operating table when the lead surgeon, shaking his head, glanced up at the wall clock to pronounce the time of death. Like a game-day spectator, Hugh David Latimer had witnessed his own demise from high up near the ceiling. His only regret was not seeing Jenny one last time.
I agree...however not a bad start at all, it has my interest. The first sentence does seem a little out of place. It struck me that the second sentence shoud perhaps come first, with the first sentence to follow. In fact I don't think you lose anything by deleting the first sentence altogether. Otherwise, well done.
The operation had not gone well. Lord knows they tried; epinephrine, heart massages, and finally defibrillation paddles. In the corner, a thin flat line divided the dark screen of the heart monitor that would not stop its high-pitched wail. The green-clad OR team stood back from the body on the operating table when the lead surgeon, shaking his head, glanced up at the wall clock to pronounce the time of death.
Like a game-day spectator, Hugh David Latimer watched (makes it more active) from high up near the ceiling. Death didn’t bother him half as much as the ridiculous terry cloth slipper socks dangling on his feet and the awful backless hospital gown he still wore. His only regret was not seeing Jenny one last time.
See? Now you have the topics separated though they work – to me – together now to draw the reader into the story better.
I would also do a quick fact-check with someone who works in the medical profession, as I'm not sure that terry slippers are actually on patient's feet during operations. Or gowns, for that matter, seeing as how it sounds like he had some major heart surgery. But the concept of humanizing the dead w/comments on the ridiculousness of the clothing is really funny to me.
Nice, funny take on it. I would like to see a revised opening, if you care to post it.
I do wonder if you want to go for funny, or for, well, something else. I lost interest in the rest of the paragraph once I figured out he was dead. (Epinephrine, etc. -- doesn't matter. He's dead already.) The rest of the paragraph also seemed more pensive than funny; not sure if that's what you're going for.
Otherwise, I agree with the others regards the order of the first and second sentances. It certainly makes me want to read on.
quote:
The operation had not gone well. Lord knows they tried; epinephrine, heart massages, and finally defibrillator paddles. In the corner, a thin flat line divided the dark screen of the heart monitor that would not stop its high-pitched wail. The green-clad OR team stood back from the body on the operating table when the lead surgeon, shaking his head, glanced up at the wall clock to pronounce the time of death.
Like a game-day spectator, Hugh David Latimer watched from high up near the ceiling. Death didn’t bother him half as much as the ridiculous slipper socks dangling on his feet and the awful backless hospital gown he still wore. His only regret was not seeing Jenny one last time.
These two emphasized pieces, I think, would work well blended:
He had only two regrets: not seeing Jenny one last time, and dying in those stupid hospital clothes.
Just my opinion.