He was a little sad, too. O'Neill was his favorite statue. She looked the most natural, captured as if she were just one in a gaggle of punks at the street corner, arms crossed and feet firmly balanced. She was half-smiling, but not in the usual noble, distant way. She seemed to be about to come out with a really smart, nasty remark.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 16, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 16, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 16, 2007).]
"he didn't like the thought [that]something"
Pretty good. (Hopefully all those edits don't mean I'm getting into something I shouldn't be?)
1. There are SEVEN -ing words in the first paragraph.
2. Fiddling out there was bad enough with just thieves and false friends to watch for. What do you mean by 'Fiddling.'
3. I would suggest either smart OR nasty. I think smart on its own would be much better than with nasty.
Here's an example of how to get rid of those -ings.
Bertie rolled the statue out of the hall with dread. It built up in his chest from the moment he got the call to ready the Awakening. It was ominous enough, but this O'Neill was known for its ability to subdue the beasties; he didn't like the idea of some fearsome creautre loose on the streets. It was bad enough out there with thieves and flase friends to watch out for.
Hope this helps.
[edited to alter my edit]
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited May 17, 2007).]
If ANYONE does want to read the rest of what I have (what's up here is actually second draft: the first direction wasn't working for me) I'll send it to you. It's around 2000 words right now, about four pages.
Thanks for the feedback! I will definitely work on that first paragraph's sing-sing sound.
quote:
Bertie rolled the statue [of O'neill?] out from the long white hall with dread [building at his lungs<--needed?]. Getting a call to ready an Awakening was foreboding at the best of times. [What's an Awakening?] [Do you need?--> This] O'Neill was known for subduing the beasties, though, and he didn't like the thought [of?] something slavering[ly<--not needed, IMHO, replace with: and] fearsome [was<--not needed] loose on the streets. [Fiddling out there was bad enough with just thieves and false friends to watch for.<--worded strange.]
He was a little sad, too. O'Neill was his favorite [statue<--needed?]. She looked the most natural[.][, captured as if she were just could be replaced with: He could imagine her as] one in a gaggle of punks at the street corner, arms crossed and feet firmly balanced. She was half-smiling, but not in the usual noble, distant way. She seemed to be about to come out with a really smart, nasty remark. [IMO, those two sentences could be simplified into one: She was smirking, as if she bit back some nasty remark.]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 17, 2007).]
I would also be willing to read more (it may be 3 or 4 days before I can get to it).
"Taking a deep breath" Bertie rolled the statue out from the long white hall (with dread )(building at his lungs). Getting a call to ready an Awakening was "nerve wracking" (foreboding) at the best of times. This "statue" O'Neill was known for subduing (the) beasties and (he didn't like the thought) something slaveringly fearsome was loose on the streets "now". (Fiddling) "Business" out there was bad enough with just the human monsters (thieves and false friends cliche) to watch for.
He was a little sad, too. O'Neill was his favorite statue. She looked the most (natural) "human", captured as if she were just one in a gaggle of punks at the street corner, arms crossed and feet firmly balanced. She was half-smiling, but not in the usual noble, distant way. She seemed to be about to come out with a really smart, nasty remark.