[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
quote:
My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and as a young alien student, along with my classmates, I was about to explore the unique life of Debra Ann Smithson, a fictional character for psychological and psychiatric research by I think you were approaching it here...
If you edit again, don't bother starting a new topic, edit this one to tell us a new edit is posted below. This keeps it all where we can refer to the changes it's gone through. Also, You may want to get a few opinions before you decide what to keep or change.
Incedentally, I think you should start with the second paragraph (the relevant information to the reader). The other information seems a summarized info-dump. It could be better spread into the story during the course.
Do I have a hook now?
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
quote:
My name is Wa Agya “Kelly” IyIMeeMe, and as a young alien student, along with my classmates, I was about to explore the unique life of Debra Ann Smithson,[. She is] a fictional character [that we shall study] for psychological and psychiatric research[. We shall do this] by means of a series of holograms revealing Debbie's life and the choices Debbie makes in an attempt to avert the missteps Debbie made in regards to the lives of others who may be in a similar position in which Debbie finds herself throughout the hologram[.] [which=delete. We will] [be= delete] broadcast [this] over various television and computer networks on worlds such as Earth, including Earth itself.
Yes, this has a much better hook. Of course, you can break it up any way you like, this is only a suggestion.
1) Why would a first person narrative think of herself as an alien? Wouldn't she think of those not like her as the aliens?
2) Why do I care that she's about to explore the life of a hologram? i.e. you haven't hooked me.
3) Why is she telling this story? Who is her audience? i.e. Why a first person POV? (BTW - I miss Survivor who usually asked this question).
4) NIT - The POV's name kills me. I gloss right over it as sci fi/ fantasy garbage - not a good thing for a first person POV tale. But, take that with a big grain, It could just be me.
5) The huge 13 line first sentance kills me. This is probably not just me. Break it up. Adjust the sentance structure for better flow. An ADD kid who has skipped his medicine and has eaten a 5 lb bag of sugar might talk like this but probably not a well educated student.
If you know the POV's target audience and motivation for telling THIS story (rather than your motivation), you can adjust the language for it. If she's lecturing the class Darklight's suggested breaks work well. Although since she describes herself as a student, I doubt she's teaching. If she's an info dump (and she sounds like it) and we are about to pick up on Debra's life and POV you might just cut Wa's paragraph.
How many words is this running?
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
(My next edit. How is this?)
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 24, 2007).]
There is no dilemma begun; hint of a problem that needs to be resolved, or rising conflict.
A few other wasys to think about IB's question are:
What's the conflict?
Why is Wa telling this story ?
quote:
3)This hologram (story) is intended to assist parents, teachers, psychologists and psychiatrists who may come in contact with a person who is similar or the same as Debra Smithson so these people won't end up as Debbie ended up at the conclusion of the hologram series (there are about 20 or 30 in the series I think, I didn't count them.) that I hope to publish as separate books (hopefully, with photographs inserted)
If that's true you might be better as nonfiction. If the reason Wa is watching the hologram is because he wants to learn the above, why? How does this hologram presentation tie into the main conflict of the story. If the main conflict is Debra's choices, mental illness, whatever, Wa is probably not the right person to tell the story.
As a result, your first person POV choice might be hurting your ability to tell the story.
You might want to cut the info dump you now have: I am X, doing Y and just skip to the next paragraph.
Your revised last sentence is still a run-on. It just keeps going and going like that bunny.
"My hologram is broken up into various age segments detailing Debbie's life and the choices Debbie makes which our instructor comments on at key points in Debbie's life in an attempt to avert the missteps Debbie made in regards to"
It also repeats the phrase "debbie's life" which made me have to think twice.
Hope this is helpful. Good luck with this piece!
Also, the basis for your story, at first shocking to me because of it’s complexity, has captured a small amount of my imagination, but you have a LOT of work to do before making this a compelling reason for me to keep reading. First, the aliens using a particular story or group of stories for there right of passage is a very interesting idea, but perhaps hard for a writer to make exciting. Second, basing the idea on stories you’ve written is interesting, but could be troublesome. I have not read your stories, and don’t know what there about, except for what you tell me in this story… so that could make the writing of this story pretty darn complex, (or perhaps boring.) And from the name of the character, Debra Ann Smithson, I would hazard a guess that she is human, but because the main character’s nick name is “Kelly” (which is a question too, do all aliens get human sounding nicknames? Or is Kelly part of her name?) then I am unsure if it is a great human or alien life which I am reading about. And of course, if the aliens know that her stories are fictional, then you’ll have to really work hard. Why is their culture embracing this story? How does it effect them. Also, you do need action as previously mentioned, as it would be difficult to write a story about a right of passage that was based on researching a fictional series of holos.
These are only a few suggestions to get you thinking.
Is this going to be a novel? If so, then you’ll have a lot more room to maneuver, but what I am worried about is that this amount of work may end up really frustrating you. I would hate to have anything I say discourage you, and I write these suggestions only as thoughts that you may use to round out the story (or pare down the story, whichever is needed) so that it is easier to tell us, the reader, what you have to say.
[This message has been edited by jonner (edited May 26, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by jonner (edited May 26, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited May 26, 2007).]
P.S. Debbie is, indeed, a character that Wa created for study. Also, while The Debra Ann Saga is quite long (could be a super-thick novel), I plan on breaking this saga into various ages and staqes in Debbie's life which I hope to publish as separate books i.e., first book: "Debbie's Infancy and early childhood;" second book: "Debbie's early school years;" third book: "Debbie's fantasies;" etc.
[This message has been edited by KellySt (edited May 26, 2007).]
quote:
Debbie is, indeed, a character that Wa created for study. Also, while The Debra Ann Saga is quite long (could be a super-thick novel), I plan on breaking this saga into various ages and staqes in Debbie's life which I hope to publish as separate books i.e., first book: "Debbie's Infancy and early childhood;" second book: "Debbie's early school years;" third book: "Debbie's fantasies;" etc.
You have a great idea but the execution is killing you because, it doesn't seem like you've fleshed the idea out enough. OSC says that his best stories are a mix of 3-5 ideas coming together and conflicting. You might need to restructure your concept.
Is Wa your MC or is Debbie? I'm assuming it's Wa for the rest of the post.
What conflict does Wa face that the creation of Debbie's hologram history help him work through?
Are Evil Robot Monkeys trying to take over the world? Is he the heir to his people trying to understand an enemy race (humans)? What is going on that is larger than just the review of these holograms?
Spiritual growth is a great plot line but something has to drive it. Why is Wa going through spiritual growth now? The answer can not be: "because if he doesn't I don't have a story."
Does his race feel that humans are souless but Wa learns something different from Debbie's ordeal? Does Wa fall in love with the holographic representation and seek out the real woman?
What drives his self journey?
No, you don't need to answer these questions on the forum but you need to know the answers to write the story.
The problem you might be having is this could come off like Psych 101, which really didn't thrill most of the people in the class.
You need an issue/ conflict to make a reader care enought to pick up the story. Why should I invest 3 hours with your book when the new Pirates movie is out?