Hatrack River Writers Workshop: untitled and silly and just in idea stage

This is topic untitled and silly and just in idea stage in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Lianne (Member # 5491) on :

oh well it made me laugh

You can't come in here" The woman looked at him with raised eyebrows and an expression that clearly said you are a dork, go away.
"What? Why? This is my favourite bar!" Erik ran a hand through his thin hair. He took a step forward planning to push past, an arm across the doorway made him stop.
"You're a Sagittarius, Duh. This is only a watersign only bar now buddy. Only watersigns and compatible signs - if properly escorted - can enter. That ain't you so piss off."
"But.." Erik squeaked.
"You heard me mister, and if you stick around too much long I'll call the cops."

[This message has been edited by Lianne (edited May 26, 2007).]

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

quote:
You can't come in here" The woman looked at him with raised

Just call him Erik straight away. And you're missing an opening quote.

quote:
He took a step forward planning to push past, an arm across the doorway made him stop.

I'd make this two sentances. Action (period) Reaction

quote:
This is only a watersign only bar now buddy

I'd cut the first "only"

quote:
too much long

longer?

I like the voice. And the idea is funny. Just needs a little cleaning.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

You can't come in here" The woman looked at [him<--pixy had this right] with raised eyebrows and an expression that clearly said [This should be in italics or quotation marks-->you are a dork, go away].
"What? Why? This is my favourite bar!"[<--This implies that he's been here before, alot.] Erik ran a hand through his thin hair. He took a step forward planning to push past, an arm across the doorway made him stop.
"You're a Sagittarius, Duh.[<--How does she know he's a Sagittarius?] This is [only<--pixy called this, too.] a watersign only bar now buddy. Only watersigns and compatible signs - if properly escorted - can enter. That ain't you[,] so[,] piss off."
"But.." Erik squeaked.
"You heard me mister, and if you stick around too much long I'll call the cops."

I am hooked enough to read on, however. It isn't often that beginning with dialogue succeeds in doing that.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 26, 2007).]

Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :

you could say something like

" an under new management sign is in the window and Erik wonders what happened to Old man McGee and why he sold the Blarney Stone"

It lets you have the favorite bar bit along with a person working it who wouldn't know him from Adam.