[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 30, 2007).]
Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :
I don't have a problem with no knowing who spoke the words at the beginning. I did have a problem with this:
quote:
The belligerent statement meshed too well with the grooves my thoughts had recently been running in.
It's too awkward for me. I would suggest simplify and go for something along the line: ... too well with my recent thoughts.
And this:
quote:
The shining dust motes settled around he and I and the yellow light.
Why not just say: around us and the yellow light.
I am intersted in this, and would read more.
Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :
quote:
“Create a universe or die.”(1)Fear did not rise in me because of the impossibility of this request but rather because of the possibility.(2) The belligerent statement meshed too well with the grooves my thoughts had recently been running in.(3)
The Aryan man(4) standing in the Ral-tze scroll-library repeated his threat. The shining dust motes settled around he and I and the yellow light.(5)
First off, this is interesting. My interest is definitely piqued, and I would read more.
A few things that I'd like to comment upon:
1. I think this opener is effective because it doesn't have a tag on it. It's punchy, short, and makes the reader ask, "woah, who said that?" And you tell them shortly afterwards, so I don't agree that it needs to have a tag directly on it.
2. A little awkward. Perhaps, "fear rose in me not because of the impossibility of this request, but rather because of the possibility of it." Stating "fear did not rise in me" makes the reader think, well, fear didn't rise in him! But it did, so what we need is a little more clarity.
3. It's not a good idea to end a sentence in a preposition (in). Also, I feel there's something of a mixed metaphor here; you say the statement meshed, and then you describe grooves. Both are meant to suggest some kind of fitting together, or mingling, I understand, but one's sort of an adjective for fabric or soft materials and the other is hard - can this be changed to create a more unified, powerful metaphor? Also, emphasis might be added by saying the statement meshed "all" too well, but this is an item of personal preference and character voice.
4. This word has a few sketchy meanings, and I'm not entirely sure which one you mean here. Do you mean he's simply white? Are you referencing the Sanskrit/Avestan word meaning "noble"? I'd hope to see an explanation shortly after the first thirteen, if it couldn't be clarified immediately.
5. I'd like the light source explained. Is the ambient light in the room just yellow for some reason, or is there actually a light source that's yellow? Is it a window? A lamp? Why is it yellow, and not white? Also, at this juncture, since you just mentioned his threat, I might like a detail about him rather than the surroundings. Does he have piercing eyes? Is he smirking? Is he furious? I'd like that highlighted rather than light sources or surroundings.
I think you have a hook here. At least, I was hooked, and made curious.
[edited for an entertaining spelling mistake]
[This message has been edited by Marzo (edited May 30, 2007).]
Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
Looks like previous commenters have pretty well covered all the nits a mere four sentences can afford! (If my numbers off, no, I did not count, just guessed from memory.)
So all I'll say, is this has both a great opening line and an tone that sounds like it will come into a full-blown voice for your narrator. I like that.
Good choice of cutting spots. You've got the stuff...
Are you looking for readers?
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
Two quick points, as the rest has been pretty thoroughly covered.
1. He is experiencing fear, but it seems to me that this fear is unimportant except in that one sentence. It is never mentioned again, not even hinted at by a character reaction, a response, nothing. It is like the fear does not exist. Does it? Convince me.
2. The shining dust motes settled around he and I and the yellow light. This is a little too purple for my tastes, and completely unnecessary. Replace this line maybe with a brief description of the library. Or replace it with some form of response from your narrator. I'd opt for a response, but that's just me.
As of right now, I'm done with reading this. There is no reason for me to continue reading a story about one person making demands and another not responding whatsoever. Sorry.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
I was confused and found some of the wording cumbersome. It could be that shorter sentences would do it, but that might change the voice too much. It could just be me. Other posters have addressed specific questions I had and/or specific thoughts I had about missing referents (what caused the fear to rise.)
FWIW, I thought Create a universe or die" was the title of the work. LOL, the missing dialogue tags threw me. Probably wouldn't in a manuscript format, but just FYI. 
Posted by Nemonus (Member # 5474) on :
Ah, purpleness strikes me again. It tends to do that, and I need to sacrifice what tries to be opetic to be clear. Thanks for pointing out where exactly that happened. darklight, ArachneWeave and Marzo, you wouldn't mind me sending you the rest? I'll fix the sentences which I agree need fixing.
Also, thanks for "So all I'll say, is this has both a great opening line and an tone that sounds like it will come into a full-blown voice for your narrator. I like that.
Good choice of cutting spots. You've got the stuff..." I'm not sure what that last line means though.
Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :
No problem send away.
Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :
I won't guarantee swiftness of response, but send away :)
Posted by Nemonus (Member # 5474) on :
I've sent to Marzo today and to darklight a while ago.
Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :
Belatedly, Marzo has replied! Should be in your inbox, N.