Not normally a SF writer, but gave it a shot. This 3.2K story addresses opposing thoughts on when to die. Readers? Comments? -------------------------------- It began with a smattering of gravel like hail on a tin roof. Then gradually increased in tempo, eventually becoming a crescendo of intensity followed by several repeated crashes, and finally; a horrendous explosion that jarred the pilot out of a deep cryogenic slumber. Sensing the spacecraft wobbling and tumbling out of its controlled course, his heart monitor began signaling a massive output of adrenalin. A meteor shower he reasoned. It was too soon to open his eyes and too dangerous to begin breathing again, these things took time. Lying motionless in a mucous-filled chamber, he concentrated, detailing the steps needed to right the ship and save himself. After thirteen months of suspended animation his mission had been aborted.
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
A quick crit: You start with an omni viewpoint paragraph that tells us what causes the pilot to be revived, but this runs right into the pilot's thoughts on the subject. At least make his thoughts the start of a new paragraph. Also, if he's in a cyro chamber just coming out of cyro sleep, how can he immediately tell what's going on? If his body is still so cold that it's not safe to breath, how is he alert at all let alone so completely alert and aware of exactly what is happening? And then we suddenly switch back into omni POV when we learn that his mission has been aborted. Is that somehow related to the meteor shower? It seems just randomly dropped in there.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I can't conceive of him being conscious and not breathing. Even if he is unconscious, to breathe is involuntary.
I also can't picture being jarred unfrozen.
I would think he would be reacting to the gradual warming process, and trying to clear his head, even if he was in the midst of jarring explosions. Though, he might feel extreme urgency or panic.
How does he know it's a meteor shower?
I also have a difficult time imagining (without good explanation: ie... a forcefield or something) him surviving long enough to notice it, in the middle of a meteor shower.
What does mucus have to do with cryogenics?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 05, 2007).]
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
I think you can cover a lot of this scene in an interaction between whoever is in the cryo-sleep and the computer. He is suddenly conscious and aware he is awake while still being physically in cryo-sleep. The computer lets him know why it has woke him, the status of the ship (any damage, ETA to destination or nearest planet, etc). He begins to issue orders to the computer to begin the waking process early, take evasive action, stop the craft from moving. The communication would need to be near telepathic, so you'll have tio invent some technology that allows the computer to access his brain directly.
I know I've read this somewhere before. Playboy's Book of Science Fiction maybe? I'd keep reading based on this. The idea is sound, and I'd want to know where you're going before I put it down.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
I like the idea, and where your starting, but be careful with your words.
You start off with, "It [began] with a smattering of gravel like hail on a tin roof." By using "began" your forshadowing events, and it feels like your directly telling the reader your story. Just start with an active voice, instead of being passive.
"...[eventually] becoming a crescendo of intensity followed..." Beware of words that end in "ly," they usualy don't add anything, and take away from your story.
"A horrendus explosion [that] jarred the pilot [name?] out of a deep cryogenic slumber." This should mark a new paragraph, since your changing your point of view. The word, "that," isn't needed, try hard to be concise and get rid of needless words.
"sens[ing] the spacecraft wobbl[ing] and tumb[ing] out of its controlled course," All these "ing" words should end in "ed" instead, making this sentence past-present, this is also a problem in your sentences after this one too.
Your mixing your character's point of you with the narrator. He wouldn't know everything that happened before hand, if he is just waking up, unless of course he has some unique ability we don't know about yet.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited June 06, 2007).]
Posted by Lianne (Member # 5491) on :
Liked some of the images here "mucus filled chamber" (I'm imaging a chamber filled with snot which is a lovely visceral image) I agree about the language. Bit difficult to know what you are talking about. "gravel like hail on a tin roof" do you mean gravel-like hail or gravel, like hail"? "becoming a crescendo of intensity" what????? this is really unnecessary language - remember KISS (keep it simple). You could get rid of the first two lines and make it much easier to get into. Then the situation you describe has some odd bits that other people have already noted. Interesting but needs to be less fussy. Lianne