This story got bounced by all the majors. Cosmos said, "The story's amusing but too slight for our needs, sorry," which was fairly typical. I've decided to take out all the sex, and try a juvenile market. Comments on the first 13 appreciated -- as you will see, I've decided once again to start with dialog to establish character, rather than plot.
Fiona Reynolds picked up the little candy that lay on the pillow, pealed off the wrapper, and popped it into her mouth. “Way to go, Fiona,” Stewart Hall said, tugging on his earlobe. “Did it ever occur to you that there are three of us, and only two candies.” Charles Jewel, new to the group, looked uncomfortable, “I’m sure… “ “Oh, shut up, Charles. Don’t excuse Fiona’s bad behavior by saying you didn’t want one. Neither did I. But if I don’t keep Fiona in line, she'll run roughshod over all of us.” Fiona ignored him, and flopped down on one of the two beds.
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
Have to say that I was interested but not hooked.
Here is what I got from it.
Three kids in a hotel room. One grabs the candy on the pillow and they have a squabble over it. One of the "boys" thinks the "girl" is the leader, but does not want to admit to it. The other boy is to shy to say anything.
I might have been thrown about the ages by the fact that you said you were going for the younger market and the fact they fought over candy.
With that kind of a squabble I am not sure why I am interested. I know who they are (at least I think I do) and I know kind of where they are (a hotel room) but I don't know why they are there . Do you have an alternate opening without the dialog?
Also POV, I don't know who is telling the story. I feel like and outside observer.
As I said, I was interested but just not hooked. I need more detail.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
No hook here. No conflict. Nothing even foreboding or hinting at a problem. Have you thought about starting at the "real" start of the story? This seems to me like you are starting too early - there is nothing unusual or interesting here - nothing to catch our interest.
Posted by Mauvemuse (Member # 5488) on :
I agree, no hook. Also, I can't tell what kind of story it is. Besides the hotel, nothing makes it interesting (besides why thier parents are letting them stay together?). To me it looked like it would get interesting, but I don't know why yet. How old exactly is juvenile? Because if it's for teenagers, i'd say keep in the sex, and add more.
(And am I correct in thinking that 'the Lotr' does not stand for Lord of the Rings?)
[This message has been edited by Mauvemuse (edited July 02, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
As a parent, I just read this and am wondering why three kids who are not same sex are unchaperoned in a hotel room. because A) if they were my kids and siblings, I would be worried they would destroy the place while my back was turned (Led Zeppelin has nothing on three boys hopped up on dingdongs) and B) if this is some non-family event - which would mean that they are with teachers or coaches - where the heck are the teachers or coaches? Because teenagers all know that hotels = sex, and need to be separated with iron bars and cattle prods. it's not enough to take the sex out, you have to make the surroundings fit - they could have this same conversation over the last fry at MacDonalds.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 02, 2007).]
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
The stated point of your start was to establish characters. I think that worked. You have three young people with distinct personalities showing through their dialog. The personalities come across as real to me. Fiona is particularly interesting since her personality is the most outgoing. Is she the POV or protagonist?
The problem is the lack of action, conflict or a problem facing them. There isn't any fantasy or scifi element, either. The hook has to depend on the characters or something outside the 13 lines. You did mention sex in your intro ... without saying how it applies in a story where the characters may be young.
Posted by Badger (Member # 3490) on :
I agree that you have succeeded in introducing the three different characters quickly and effectively. Of course, the trade-off is that there is not much of a clue as to what the milieu is, where the story is going or a real indication or what the reader can expect. In short, I guess I'm trying to say that there's no hook. Having said that, however, I think the dialogue was done skilfully enough that I would read on for a bit to see if the hook was forthcoming. And this is despite the fact I already know there's not going to be any sex in it.. :0)
I think that it should be 'peeled' rather than 'pealed', and I'm assuming the POV is some form of omni? Or am I way off? Wouldn't be the first time...
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
The story sounds alright, but... is it just me, or was anyone else thinking [i]"Why is Rick asking about The Lord of the Rings?"
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Thanks for the comments.
LOTR does stand for The Lord of the Rings, though the characters, not having read the book, don't know that, yet.
The plot starts just after the first 13. I did not want to try for both character and plot in the first 13 because I have a tendency to try to cram too much stuff into just one sentence and I want to learn how to avoid that tendency so I decided to start with just characters and then bring in the plot and by the way the characters learn what LOTR means on page two.
And I think that my idea of selling the story to a juvenile or teen market won't work, even if I do take out the sex (which is mild). The only markets I know for teen age short stories do not allow any sex at all and would, in fact, not allow boys and girls in the same hotel room. Also, I have a non-traditional Black character (she's not the Ph.D. linguist, she's a (gasp) maid), which would probably be taboo in a teen market.
I think I'll try the story, as is, with one of the newer on-line markets.
Off topic: I have a story about a six year old, Katie Alpha, which I am very fond of, but which is hard science fiction. Any suggestions for a market? (Cricket already bounced it.)
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
On third thought, I did go ahead and rewrite the story for the teen market. I was surprised how few changes I had to make, which suggests that my "adult" characters were way too childish in the first place.
Would anyone like to give it a critique before I sent it off to Cicada?
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
I'll give it a try.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
me too. I can get it back to you this weekend, if that's cool.
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
I don't know what the story is about or how long...but if it's sci-fi (or close to it) and under 5k ... I can read too. No promises on timeline, but let me know if you need another reader. I don't post my email (I'm allergic to spam) so I'll have to email you so you can find me. Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
Oh shoot, and typo alert - pealed in the first sentence should be peeled. Unless she's making the candy peal like a bell...
I just explained what the word "peal" meant to my 5 year old today, who stumbled on it when reading something.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Thanks for catching "pealed". I'll send the story if you like, but I've got two readers, and so I'm just about ready to go ahead and submit the story for publication.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
The Lotr is on its way to Cricket. Cricket has a maximum length of 2000 words, so I had to cut 400 words. I was surprised at how much fat the story had, the 400 words peeled off without difficulty, and another 100 followed them.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
good luck with Cricket - I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you, but I don't think you'll need it.
it's not enough to take the sex out, you have to make the surroundings fit - they could have this same conversation over the last fry at MacDonalds.