How is it, that when we did everything exactly right, everything ended up going so disastrously wrong? I remember the first time I heard about the asteroid, because I was nursing a monumental hangover. Me and a bunch of the guys – and Morris – had just wound up our first liberty since being assigned to Fort Buchanan in Puerto Rico. As the Marine's elite Special Ops Division, Force Recon units are treated pretty well just about anywhere we go, and the dives and hot spots of Puerto Rico had been no exception. I was still trying to rinse the syrupy taste of stale rum out of my mouth when the wall unit started spouting news about the newly discovered Near Earth Object and its potential collision course for Earth. The story was unfolding at Kitt's Observatory in Arizona, where the musty Spacewatch Program was
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 08, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited July 08, 2007).]
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
After force recon you're missing a verb like 'were'
don't call it "official leave" even if you want to hint that they had brief periods of AWOL before. I recommend say it was the "end of our first liberty"
"official" leave in the military is kind of different than just having a few days off. It takes paperwork done by each individual solider indicating where you are going when you plan to return etc. Not something that you'd take to hit the local beaches/bars.
Liberty on the other hand is typically a blanket privilege granted by a unit's CO to a unit that is technically restricted to the base when off duty.
Other than that it sounds like a decent beginning to MilSF
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
thanks Matt, you're a peach. I just went back and corrected in the original post. Okay now?
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
Yeah. If you want I'd take a full look at this.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
cool beans. give me 24 hours, i'm in the middle of a clean up campaign on it. deb
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
Cool beans, indeed. I like the way you slip in "- and Morris -" but then I know too much.
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
Yeah I agree JeffB, that line "--and Morris" lets me know all I need to know about who Morris is and how the MC thinks about her.
Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :
Excellent, I like the immediate intro to the POV. I know I already made the offer by email, but definitely feel free to send it along once you're done with the rewrite. Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Deb...tsk, tsk, tsk...You should let your readers know why Morris isn't one of the guys. Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I'm beginning to feel the need to create a story just for Morris . . .
Posted by sleepn247 (Member # 5312) on :
