I haven't posted a first 13 in quite a while. So I submit, for your pleasure, the first 13 of my current short SF in progress.
Enjoy! (I hope)
Mother never liked it when I played near the old quarry. It had been closed down years ago after its operations had expanded too close to a residential district. The deepest pits had been filled in as part of the conservation program, but a few shallow gouges in the land had been left untouched. These gouges were what remained of the slopes that were used for moving the heavy equipment down into the quarry. They really weren't very deep - perhaps ten meters at the most. Down inside, along the slope, there were a few small piles of rubble, maybe a large boulder here and there, but were otherwise ordinary and not really dangerous. But to a child of nine or so, who was small for his age, they were deep valleys on the hostile planet, Barrengore, on the other side of the
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
This story seems to me to really begin with the last sentence - the most compelling sentence (to me) in the lines given. Why not start from there? The previous information feels like an info-dump - a kind of geography/history account of a (so far) ordinary pit. We could get this information in bits and pieces as the story moves forward through the characters. As it is, the story is not moving forward, or moving forward very slowly at best. We need a strong hook.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 09, 2007).]
Posted by sakubun (Member # 5719) on :
I agree with nitewriter.
I was thinking "what's all this info about quarries" until the last line then my imagination went "ohhh".
I think I see what you are doing, building it up as a normal quarry and then having the line with Barrengore explain why we are talking about the quarry, but that last line should be closer to, if not the first line.
Also, and I shouldn't comment since I haven't read beyond the first 13, but I was holding a lot in the air for a while. Does the "conservation program" come up later? Is the size of the gouges going to be important? What about the piles of rubble...
Though I would like to read more...
Posted by GoldPhoenix99 (Member # 5732) on :
It is a good story thus far. But what are you more focused on. Is it the writting? It dragged a little bit but thats O.K. Find whats most attractive to you as a person. Then Expand on it, see what is most attractive and make it a part of the story. You must see through the eyes of the individual, you are the individual. Have lots of fun doing it, Play with it like a child. You will find much more Pleasure. I promise.
As a result the story will come out better for every paragraph then on. Believe in it because its True.
Love and Light Parris Watkins
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
This is a slow start with a lot of detail. It's costly in terms of reader attention. First, does the detail have a point? Do we care that the gouges are ten meters deep? (Side issue of metric units in the mind of a child for US readers.) Would the child's perception of depth be more important, eg. 'four times his height?' Do we care about the nearby residential district? Does the child live nearby? You could make that clear from the child's point of view. Does the conservation program have a bearing on the story? Is it important enough to take space in the first 13 lines? You start in the first person from the child's POV. The last sentence picks up on his(?) imagination. The stuff in the middle doesn't seem like a 9 year-old's way of thinking about the actual quarry and especially about its transformation in his imagination. That's the suggestion for making more of a hook - where does his imagination go? What hostility does he run into on that planet?
Posted by Jim Rage (Member # 5045) on :
Thanks for reading, everybody.
All of your comments are what I expected, given that you have to take the first 13 lines strictly at face value. Hell, I would have said a lot of the same things.
In line 14 or so, you find that the narrator is recounting events that began when he was a child. Knowing that, will hopefully clear up that first 13 for some of you a little bit.
Thanks, again, for your comments.
^JR^
Posted by sleepn247 (Member # 5312) on :
Its hard for the reader to start at a flashback. You want me to get immersed, right? Well, telling me what happened during the MC's childhood (who isn't even named yet) especially in reference to what appears to be a normal quarry is... well not too interesting.
Maybe you need to start the story at a different place. Either flash back right after the first scene, or start with the MC as a kid.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
You need to get right into the story and the description of the quarry, instead of being larded with facts, should contain telling, vivid detail. Maybe something like this:
When I was nine, I played in the abandoned quarry a few miles from my home. The water was like ice on my bare skin, but after my teeth stopped chattering, I never felt so alive.
Posted by Jim Rage (Member # 5045) on :
More food for thought.
Thanks again.
^JR^
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
You lost my attention in the second line.
I don't care about how the quarry got there (I presume someone dug it) or the description since "quarry" already tells me what it looks like. Although, you might mention that it wasn't water filled, which most of the abandoned quarries I've seen are.
You might streamline it by keeping the first line and then picking back up at the line starting "Down inside . . "
It would get you to what seems to be the action and hook sooner.
Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :
I can't add too much to what has been said. The detail really makes the opening cumbersome. It might help to clarify the characters age. I think the best bet is to start with the last sentence, or maybe the skip from the first sentence to the last (depending on how important the mother is to the story).
Posted by O-Sapo (Member # 5569) on :
I don't think the whole flash back is a good idea. If you must do a flash back then it needs a much more compeling hook.
Posted by solarsurfer (Member # 5619) on :
Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town with a quarry, but I actually liked the description...the last line leads up to an interesting juxtaposition between the mundane and the potentially extraordinary.
My only suggestion is that it seems like you switch from first person to third person in the last sentence...the jolt sort of distanced me from the narrator. Doesn't seem like a flashback to me...I'd expect the narrator to stay a child through the whole thing...
[This message has been edited by solarsurfer (edited July 14, 2007).]