Hatrack River Writers Workshop: book 3 of 7

This is topic book 3 of 7 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :

Part of book 3. any thoughts? please mind the spelling and gramer.
Rommel Fenrir Wolf II

As I am told, I was borne on the 5th of May 2016. My dame was of the highest quality of my breed that good breeding and money could get. My sire was of the same quality, but of different stock.
I was born a healthy 10.8oz and completely unaware of anything but the sweet taste of my dames milk and her warmth.
My 8th week of life I was a highly intelligent pup who would not listen to my dame. That is when my good friend Rommel came into my life. He took me from my litter mates and my dame to America where I would spend the next 10 years as I was borne.
My Wife was borne on the 16th of May in 2016 of completely different stock but the breeding palatial for grand offspring is why we were paired for life. God do I love her, her and her

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 17, 2007).]

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

I was hooked. But I was also puzzled by some of your spelling choices. I'm going to be so bold as to suggest some different spellings.

As I am told, I was borne (BORN) on the 5th of May (COMMA) 2016. My dame (DAM) was of the highest quality of my breed that (good breeding and/OMIT) money could get(BUY). My sire was of the same quality, but of different stock.
I was born a healthy (COMMA) 10.8(SPACE)oz(OUNCES) and (completely/OMIT) (unaware/AWARE) of (anything but/ONLY) the sweet taste of my dames (DAMS) milk and (her warmth/THE WARMTH OF HER BELLY).
(IN) My 8th week of life I was a highly intelligent pup who would not listen to my dame (DAM). (That is when/OMIT) my good friend Rommel (came into my life. He/OMIT) took me from my litter mates and my dame (DAM) AND BROUGHT ME to America where I would spend the next 10 years (as I was borne/????).
My Wife was borne/BORN on the 16th of May in 2016(COMMA) of completely different stock but (WITH) the breeding palatial for grand offspring(COMMA) (WHICH) is why we were paired for life. God do I love her, her and her

For what it is worth. I understand that you are trying something interesting with the style. For me, some things work, others don't.

Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :

Tango Mike. but i must say i am the worlds worst at spelling, and grammer.
Rommel Fenrir Wolf II

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

That's why god made spellchequers.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

you mean shpellcheckers?

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

I think he means yew can knot be shore yore spell chequer is rite. Four example, the damn things don't no dam from dame.

Pat

Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :

or maby i was still half awake aftetr a 4 day mission sand yes my computer is not to bright eather.
Rommel Fenrir Wolf II

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

k...This thread appears dislexic......

Posted by Snorri Sturluson (Member # 5807) on :

I've tried reading this a few times on a few different days but to no success; I am still not hooked. I do not feel like you have given the reader a reason to care about the character (much less the character's background).

However, there were a few lines that might hook me if further developed. The line "...where I would spend the next 10 years as I was borne..." did tickle my interest. Why would it take 10 years for something to be born? Additionally, the last line, "God do I love her, her and her," also interests me. Why should a single entity (the wife) be referenced three times like that (does the character have more than one wife, does the wife have three different sides/split personality, etc)?

Yet these are more of oddities than real hooks. Sort of like an amusing billboard, they spark my interest as I read them but I have no problems driving by.

However, the title says that this is book 3 of 7 so perhaps you have already hooked the reader in an earlier work?

quote:
k...This thread appears dislexic...

You mean, "dyslexic"?

[This message has been edited by Snorri Sturluson (edited July 24, 2007).]

Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :

as i was borne. meaning after 10 years he would be changed. like gentic modified.
Rommel Fenrir Wolf II

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Outside of all the spelling issues and the spell checking and stuff, I'm afraid to say that this section (and likely, by extension, large parts of book 3) are basically unreadable.

1. Far too many technical issues, outside of the spelling already indicated. Grammar, sentence structure, paragraph construction - it's all a horrid mess. In order to proceed up the ladder of amateur to professional (or even from monkey at a typewriter to enthusiastic fanfic writer) you need to solve these technical issues. Try Strunk & White.

2. There's a lot of info packed in here that is either overcompressed or vestigal. Why should I care that you were 10.8oz at birth? Why do I care that you were born on the 5th and your wife on the 16th? You went to America for 10 years? Wow. Where did you come from? Did you go back there after 10 years? Why 10 years? Why America?

3. "...my good friend Rommel..." are you inserting yourself into this story? I'm sorry, but for me, that's an instant close-the-book-and-never-open-it-again, unless this is a non-fiction novel or an autobography

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :

Tango Mike.
I should add that i use fill in names until i come up with names to use. all the books\stories i write use the same names until i come up with the names i will use.
i also just relized that i ut this in the wrong section. i am retarted and sleep depribed.
Rommel Fenrir Wolf II

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

Rommel, what's "Tango Mike"? I assume it's an abbreviation: "Thanks Much"?

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Well, for me there was a hook... i mean, it's written from a dog's perspective, right? dunno, that was interesting enough for me to turn the page. i agree though, it could be tighter, trimmed of all the extraneous info (because yeah, I really don't care that he was 10 some ounces, and how would he know that, anyway? i guess he's an intelligent pup). I would need the story to move forward and give me something more than the initial hook (that it's a dog) rather quickly.

Posted by Grant John (Member # 5993) on :

Not really hooked. Did feel hooked because I thought that it was a futuristic story about selective breeding of humans, was sort of anticlimactic to find out it was a dog.

I might have kept reading to find out why a dog was writing a story, but when it got to the second section (describing the wife's pedigree) I thought, not again. If you need to describe the pedigree of your main character maybe make sure you have him do something interesting before launching into the wife's pedigree.

Other things I would like to know if possible:
- MC's name?
- whether his friend is human or a dog, whether
the relationship is owner/dog or other?
- have things relating to dogs changed by 2016?

Hope this helps, also could you direct me to first 2 so I can have a quick look at the original hook,

Grant

Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :

Your dead on Oliverhouse. it is a military radio talk thing. it is hard to brake.
annepin it is from adogs prespective yes but not dogs as you would think. yes they were born s dogs ut were geniticly modfied later.
his friend is half human.
there is also 5 other canines in the book as MC and 3 humans and 1 half human.
2016 is the year the book starts and ends later around 2047.
also for some reason my damn computer scrambled all that i hd written on that book. (i blame the dust and too much use.)
I also have to say sorry for not responding the last 11 or so days. RCPIII got KODIAK,D and EAGEL,D
Rommel Fenrir Wolf II