I'm looking for any feedback, don't be nice I can take it.
Parker Lynch could hear the General barking orders, but he just stared at the laser data. Until an hour ago he had been alone in the lab daydreaming of fishing. Then all hell broke loose.
It took Lynch 100 hours to send the beam, so collection would take just under 100 hours due to loss. The General didn’t care who shot the laser at Epsilon Eridani 21 years ago, he just wanted these blinking lights translated.
This was supposed to be a cursory sweep that only counted how many celestial bodies were near the star itself, a mere passing glance. The usual methods had failed.
“Dr. Lynch…Dr. Lynch…what seems to be the problem?”
“The problem,” replied Lynch “is that either the data is corrupt, or you need to call a press conference.”
The action seems a little disjointed. We have a general barking for an unknown reason, and Parker staring at data. But before we find out what is happening we have hell breaking loose an hour ago followed by a very unclear description of something going on with a laser beam. This is followed by another ambiguous thought about what they were supposed to be doing, and topped off with an ominous statement.
In spite of all that, I get the impression that something very interesting is occurring here. If you could get the action into a nicely structured order and clarify things a little, I get the feeling there is a strong hook in there somewhere--but as it is it's unclear.
A lot of people will crucify you for cliche's, but I'm a bit of a heretic, and I think they have their place. However, when I read lines like Then all hell broke loose--especially in the intro--it gives me the impression you are trying to force the impression of mayhem without showing it. It comes off as contrived and unconvincing. (It's probably also superfluous once you get the action right.) You might still get away with it, but I'd look for a better way.
Your first attempt was enough to make me want to watch for the rewrite.
ciao,
Mark
It almost seems like you jumped into an immediate flashback but after a few readings I'm not so sure. Because the MC's thoughts/scene is disjointed and hard to follow, the impact of the last line was lost on me.
My take:
quote:
Parker Lynch could hear the General Why so abstract? Why not say General Peterson barking is he a dog?? He could be in sci fi. You might want another word until you establish what species you are writing about orders, but he The General? just stared at the laser data. Until an hour ago he had been alone in the lab daydreaming of fishing. This is a miniflashback and probably not relevent to the urgency of the moment. Then all hell broke loose. <-- you'd be better to tell me what caused "all hell to break loose" rather than reverting to the cliche. What happened?
It took Lynch 100 hours When? Why are you taking me away from the hell again to send the beam Hu? What beam? , so collection Hu? would take just under 100 hours due to loss Hu? Something happened an hour ago and now you are telling me about events days in the and days in the future? What is happening NOW . The General didn’t care who shot the laser at Epsilon Eridani 21 years ago Neither do I. What is Epsilon Eridani, a planet, a gas giant, a black hole?? Inquiring minds need to know. Also twenty-one should be spelled out. , he just wanted these blinking lights what blinking lights? How do they relate to the beam from 21 years ago? Are they in morse? Who is Parker that he has a chance of translating them? translated.This What? was supposed to be a cursory sweep Of What? that only you probably don't need "only" counted how many celestial bodies were near the star What star? Epsilon Eridani or some other star itself probably not needed , a mere passing glance You are repeating yourself . The usual methods had failed. OH! NICE! Interesting. Why? I don't even mind that you don't tell me what the "usual methods" are. Sigh. But then you don't tell me.
“Dr. Lynch…Dr. Lynch…what seems to be the problem?” Who is speaking?
“The problem,” replied Lynch “is that either the data is corrupt, or you need to call a press conference.”
Would it work if you started with this last sentance? I'd certainly be hooked with that as the lead. Then the backhistory isn't an info dump and can be smoothly worked in. Try to stay in the present.
Something happened/ Dr. Lynch saw a Fleet of Evil Robot Monkeys ("ERM") an hour ago.
The ERM might be related to a laser someone shot toward someplace in space, which may or not be a star, 21 years ago.
The ERM is apparently attempting to communicate with blinking lights.
Dr. Lynch just happens to be the one person who can possibly translate the lights.
He doesn't believe the translation.
IMHO, either start the story an hour earlier or cut the back history to get to the last line sooner.
But I like the possible first contact situation he's in.
Edit - one of these days, I'll get the html tags right the first time!
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited July 19, 2007).]
quote:
It was 13 lines in the submit box.
quote:
Right. You should go by the submit box. It always looks like fewer lines when it's posted.
My take:
quote:
Parker Lynch could hear [the<--makes him ambiguous] General [Name] barking orders, but he just stared at the laser data. [Until an hour ago he had been alone in the lab daydreaming of fishing. Then all hell broke loose.[<--Don't care about this, it interrupts the story's flow, and is not necessary to progress it.]
It took Lynch[Does he think of himself as "Lynch"? or "Parker"?] 100 hours to send the beam[What beam?], so collection[Of what?] would take just under 100 hours due to loss[Of what?]. The General didn’t care who shot the laser at Epsilon Eridani 21 years ago[Huh? I thought it was a hundred hours?], he just wanted the[deleted] blinking lights[What blinking lights] translated.
This was [supposed to be<--What was it actually?] a cursory sweep that [deleted] counted how many celestial bodies were near the star[What star?] itself[, a mere passing glance<--Redundant.]. The usual methods[What "usual methods"?] had failed.
“Dr. Lynch…Dr. Lynch[…<--either eliminate one set of ellipsis, or one "Dr. Lynch..."]what seems to be the problem?” [said, Who?]
“The problem,” replied Lynch[,] “is that either the data is corrupt, or you need to call a press conference.”
Why is there a general there, but no subordninates, aides, scientists to translate for him? Why is he barking orders where Doctor Lynch can hear, in the first place? The military is not exactly known for being free with information.
If Lynch is concentrating on a data stream, wouldn't he be piecing the story together as it appeared? If he was going to have to wait 100 hours to get the information, why would everything be intense now?
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 19, 2007).]
A (not so) few questions that might help direct your editing:
Why is there a General near Parker Lynch? Something significant would have happened to get a general to hang around but the significant event seems to be in the last line. What, then, is the reason for him to be there?
What is "laser data"? Is it data transmitted through a laser or data about a laser?
If events began picking up 59 minutes ago (as 60 minutes ago he was daydreaming), why are you starting now and not then?
How did "hell" really break loose (or is it literal)? Did "laser data" start flooding in? Did alarms start going off? Did the general's entourage invade the place where this "hell" apparently broke loose?
Where is the place that this story is taking place in? A remote scientific outpost? Lynch's house? The dark side of the moon (after all I knew it had to be something to do with you)?
If it took Lynch 100 hours to send something, what is this something and why is he looking at data now? When did these 100 hours occur? How does the beam relate to the laser data? Is it the same, is this different? Were these 100 hours consecutive?
Did Lynch shoot the laser (what kind of laser?) at Epsilon Eridani? If so, why? If not, why not?
What are these "blinking lights" and why would he translate them? My alarm clock has blinking lights, I wouldn't translate that. Is this related to the laser data? The mysterious beam? If so, you might want to use a single identifier for the signal until people catch on as to what is happening. If not, then you might have too many elements in too little space.
Why was the cursory sweep so cursory if "the usual" methods failed? What ARE the usual methods? How is this method unusual?
Who is speaking the line "Dr. Lynch…Dr. Lynch…" The general is a good bet, but isn't he still barking orders?
If all hell broke lose an hour ago, why not start the story at that moment?
I'll work on the rewrite shortly.
Two things I wanted to mention:
The General as a character isn't so important, just that the military is interferring with this. I didn't want to give him a name because that would cause [me at least] to remember his name and think he might be more important. I'll change this since General Nameless will be the antagonist.
The "starting an hour ago" thing was hopefully to show that nothing major was happening for a while, just data coming in. Then something happened (to be revealed later) and "all hell broke loose". That is a cliche and I had something better, but trimmed it in the submit box.
Thanks for all the comments. Some I expected, others blindsided me. I'll work on the rewrite and the rest.
Actually, I think all the elements of a great opening are in this intro. The major issue I see is in reference to chronology, and priority.
1. Chronology. You start in the present, but you allude to an hour ago. Then you talk about the future (what would happen in 100 hours). Then, you talk about 21 years ago. And then you come back to the present. This is very jarring. NOT to say that chronology always needs to be linear, but you need to be extra careful about clarity. In this case, it's confusing.
2. Priority. For example, do I really need to know that he was daydreaming of fishing an hour ago? Will his hobby fishing relate to the story as a whole? I understand that you want to provide a contrast between the present (a possible extraterrestrial life signal?) vs. past (very boring). But you can do this in many different ways, and at different times. What draws me into the story is not the plot, but the character. In this sense, I think showing us who Parker Lynch is in the first 13 lines should take priority above all other considerations.
Hope that helps!
I didn't realize how bad the chronology was in the first part.
Fishing will come up again later.
[This message has been edited by sakubun (edited July 20, 2007).]